Debilitating

I just spent the past 40 minutes in the office thinking about what to write here.
Well, sadly that's a lie. It has been almost an hour now, of me badgering myself, of questions revolving around Jjampong.

Like,
Why are you still thinking about him?
Why are you still talking about him?
Why are you still hung up on him?
Why would you even consider getting back with him?
Why would you think he'd want to get back with you?
Why wouldn't he hate you?
Why are you still punishing yourself?
Why would he even care?
...

It's crappy and cheesy as hell for the answer I have for all of those. Yet, the question still remains:

Why do you still love him?

For every Jjampong-question, I only have one answer.

I love him.

Unfortunately... this means nothing right now. Nada. 

Uma Pitada de Sol e um Vislumbre de Esperança

During my Marinduque getaway, a lot has been settled in my mind after spending a whole day doing nothing. Taking a few laps in the open waters, sipping freshly concocted mojitos, and sitting by the shore....aaaah, a clean break from all my worries.

"You have to allow a certain amount of time in which you are doing nothing in order to have things occur to you, to let your mind think" - Mortimer Adler

Razbliuto

“for those memories are now
just like these little kittens
I hold in my hands

those can be kissed
and treasured
but not held too tightly.” 
― Sanober Khan, Turquoise Silence

Love.Sick.

Though I don't understand any bit of Thai, this song is a sure feel-good song, especially for the love sick.

Admission

For some unthinkable reason, I miss Jjampong more than ever. But not the yearning type of missing. I just plainly miss him. Everyday for the past weeks, despite the stuff I'm dealing with, he'd slide in to thought. Even when there were days that I don't consciously remember him, there's that feeling that I have drained myself thinking of him. I did dream of him once this month but a very faint and vague one at that, the type you'd forget the moment you wake up.

Unthinkable I say, for we had no contact since...well, the break up, and it's been more than a year ago. He did reply to my birthday greeting last August, a brief "Thanks.". No word since then until someone notified me he's off to another country for a short business trip; to which I couldn't help myself but text him a farewell. I'm completely on a social media block out, as I figured since he blocked me from Facebook.  Not a single trace of him, even through common friends - I guess they're doing us a favor or some sort.

I miss him, I just do. I can't deny that. I'm simply acknowledging that.

Besides that... there's one thing that's worth to be acknowledged. Surprising as it seems, as it caught me off-guard. I blurted it out to myself, not too loud for anyone to hear...

"Given another chance, I'd fight for your love. No letting go this time...never."

Pieces of You [Drafted on 30th December 2011]

***

I just found this in my drafts. It was written way back... I remember not publishing it that time since the guy being referred to had access to the blog. Now, I think it's safe to publish, since I doubt he bothers to hear from me.

***

The Closest Encounters with the EX.

A random chatter yesterday...

N: "Nakita ko si ex mo sa Aura one time... bakit parang ang lamya na nya?"

VS: "What do you mean malamya? "

N: "Pagirl." 

VS: "I doubt that. Bihis babae?" 

N: "Hindi naman, but his demeanor changed. The last time I saw him with you, he's like 90% guy, lalaking laki at hindi aakalaing gay. But when I saw him he's too pa-girl, 30-70, 30% na lang pagkalalaki." 

VS: "I'd still doubt that. Perhaps the last time you saw us together you only saw the timid side of him. He's like that especially when he's around strangers. But I've seen him when he's with family and his closest friends, he does get a bit uhm, loud and goofy. But not pa-girl." 

N: "You need not be defensive you know? Ex mo na siya, remember?

It's not being defensive... or is it? Hmm....
Prior to this I also got word from an old friend who works in the same company with my ex. Apparently he's popular...

VS: "... you work at [company] pala. By any chance you work with [ex's full name]? 

M: "Yung bading?" 

VS: "'bading'?" 

M: "Sabi ng mga officemates ko bading daw yun. Bakit kaanu-ano mo ba yun?" 

VS: "Have you met him?" 

M: "Hindi, e magkaiba kami department. Pero nakikita ko siya. Ang ingay nya e. 

VS:"Palabiro kasi yun."   

M: "Basta naiingayan ako sa kanya. Bakit mo pala natanong?"

Then I just had to segue and change the course of discussion. This old friend of mine doesn't know my sexual preference and that I dated guys. She looks up to me as a kuya. But to be honest bothered ako. Parang hindi ko na kilala ang ex ko. O sadyang malaki na nagbago sa kanya since we parted ways?

The other night I had a dream and he was in it. We were in a car, not his, and this time he was in the passenger seat. I was driving. In that dream we were having a banter...

VS: "So kumusta ka naman since we 'parted ways'?  

J: "Parted ways? Diba tinaboy mo ko, remember?   

VS: "Ako nantaboy? I remember ikaw yung last nantaboy. 

J: "Basta may nantaboy." 

VS: "Well, so how did we end up talking right now." 

J: "Ewan ko sayo." 

*At this point I realized I was dreaming. Yes, m subconscious speaks in my dreams apart from the dream Me* 

VS: "Well it's not like we're getting back together you huh?" 

J:" Sheesh..." 

VS:"Ang yabang! Haha... But that is a funny thought. Funny in the sense na it wouldn't be a good idea." 

J:"Ewan ko sayo!" 

VS:" Well at least we're talking, Sungit." 

J: *stares for awhile then looks out of the window*

End of dream sequence. Lately I've been wanting to make random conversations with him by text, just to know how has he been doing. But I guess it wouldn't be a good time yet. I don't' even know if there will be any time at all.

Well I'll be Dammed

There have been a lot of times that I feel like blogging. Sudden moments when the thoughts are reeling, the emotions blazing, and the words flowing... but those moments are of the most inconvenient circumstances. Either I'm in the bath, bus, or bed.

26th

Happy 6 months and counting.

So Much of M

Of Closets:: Whom I'd Get Out For?

I'm not truly a closeted guy. One, I tell my dearest friends a lot about me simply because they're entitled to it, or I feel like sharing, or even as a form of equivalent exchange for all their dirty secrets. Two, I don't mind answering people's queries regarding my sexuality and preference; as long as they directly and personally ask me, I'm willing to give them a straight answer. Three, when and if I have a boyfie I'd like to introduce him to my dearest friends, and eventually to my family as well since I have no intention of hiding behind a shadow, nor keeping things out of the light, especially with my  family. Basically, these three are my setting for "coming out".

Point of No Return

And it's not about orgasms. This entry was intended to be a reply comment to Ron's post. Eh, just a few days ago I've been mulling the same sentiments in my head as I lie still in bed... bored out of my wits. So here goes:

Yung konsepto ng "Break kung break", lately ko lang naintindihan ng lubos. Dati kasi nabanggit sa kin yun ni M na hindi siya yung tipong nakikipagbalikan sa taong nakipagbreak kahit na matindi pa rin yung feelings nila para sa isa't isa. Once pinakawalan daw siya, there's no going back. Kaya nung ako hiniwalayan nya, alam kong di na kami pwedeng magkabalikan pa.

Pero aminin ko na minsan, naiisip ko "what if magkabalikan pa kami?" or napapaisip ako ng mga eksena na tinatangka namin magkabalikan pa.

Naalala ko lang... ako nga pala ung nasaktan nung nagkahiwalay kami...so bakit ako tong nag-iimagine na magkakabalikan kami? AKO dapat ang nagsasabing "Break kung break". There's no point in going back, it makes no sense. BAkit ka nga ba babalik sa taong nanakit sayo diba? Kahit na sabihin pang mahal mo siya, dapat mas mahalin mo sarili mo. 

Eto, hindi ko ipagkakailang may pinaghuhugutan. Maitatanggi ko pa ba sa haba ng comment na ito? hehe. So once again, I've decided to make this as an entry sa blog. haha!

Move on na dapat sa kada kapalpakan. Wala ka namang masosolusyunan pa kung lingon ka nang lingon sa nakaraan. Forward is all there is to it.

Oh and wag makipagbalikan sa ex. Bigla ko lang natandaan ngayon, isa yun sa top advices ko nung nasa hayskul pa lang ako. Yun ang isa sa lagi kong payo sa mga kaibigan ko noon, na kapag iniwan ka wag mong habulin. The fact na nagawa ka nilang iwan just means that those people are not good enough for you.

FB Archive

I'm starting to hate this FB chat archive. I rarely go online on fb chat, kasi kadalasan e naiwas lang ako sa ilang tao na makachat. Pero tonight, I didn't notice I was online. And then I see M is online as well, dun sa left side with minute thumbnails. Naisip ko lang masilip profile nya so iyon yung na-click ko, not knowing that it will only launch the chat box.

At dun lumitaw ang aming long lost chat archive...nung month before ng breakup namin, when were still throwing hugs and kisses for each other.

It's just crappy that FB has to remind me of a past that -...
I will forever look back to that part of my life as the lie that fooled me. Or the truth that I shouldn't have trusted my heart with.

Either way, I'll forever resent that things had to end unhappily.

Some Sentimental Feeling

Ex Files

Lately I've been trying to come up with an entry about my last relationship, which was about a year and a half ago. But I always end up in a dead end early on with just two lines. Di ko magawang magkwento about M.

Di naman sa sensitive issue kuno, but I really don't have issues telling stories from the past. Oddly enough, I don't understand myself for not being able to relay a story about M. I did mention him in a previous entry(see number 5). But I can't seem to disclose any story about him.

Hmmm... As of now the entries I've started about him are saved as drafts. The day may come that I'll be posting them one at a time.