01 December 2017

Lose It All

What started out to be a random rant about not being able to move on, turned into a summation of the year that passed. It's quite early for a year-ender, but this post basically sums up 2017 for me. Just had to look for a soundtrack other than Ellie Goulding's Still Falling for You.

Guilty. I am guilty of still being in love with you. Sometimes it feels good admitting that, but now it pains to hear myself saying that out loud. It pains me to be still in love with you. Sira na nga talaga ulo ko. Or sadyang sira na puso ko. Eto ata yung isang klase ng heartbroken -  the kind where your heart still beats for the person whose heart no longer beats for you. The mere thought of you still makes my heart flutter.

It's been 3 years now... and it still beats for one person. This heart of mine's definitely broken, and I totally get my friends for pointing out to me that that is a problem. "Move on na!" "Let go of the past na!", and I really do understand that. Believe me when I say, I do understand that. And please do believe me when I say this as well - I want to move on, and let go of the past. I really do, it's just that I can't.

Tried dating guys. I have seriously dated 2 or 3 guys for the past years. Been in a so-called relationship with one, at the start of the year, but lasted only for 2 months. I can say that I've been opening myself to another person, but I keep running back in. I'm not as passionate as I used to be, I guess. 

Shaking it off, fucking around. Well, that I sure did. For sometime, I felt sexually driven and empowered. In a span of no less than 6 months, I've hooked up with countless of men. Grindr has been very convenient, on top of that, the random guys in the gym - especially in the sauna and steam room. Shower sex with a silver fox on 3 occasions, to which I later found was a  priest. Daddies are really an easier catch. But rest assured, I've been safe. It sure feels liberating to have sex with wild abandon, but always safety first.

Focus on a hobby or an advocacy. Took that seriously, and focused too much on that, and now it has turned into an occupation. I've been actively volunteering for an organization since last year, immersing myself in the various activities, spending most of my company in their company, even sacrificing sleeping time for it. It's worth it, it makes me feel alive, day by day. I'm human, I long to feel alive, and this somehow drives me day in day out.

Now, I have things to look forward to for 2018. Since I am turning 30, I've been dreading what to do with my life. I figure it doesn't matter how much I plan ahead, but what matters is every decision I make along the way and how I stand by those choices. There are things that I cannot change no matter how hard I try, and that is alright. It's okay, if things don't go the way we plan. We just have to keep going and face everything upfront, whatever comes our way we face it and let things unravel for themselves as we thread forward.

Love, Life, Career. Things will eventually turn out for the better, one way or the other.

1 comment:

Arwind Vera said...

This song used to be my jam. haha. Hope you feel better :)