23 December 2016

Pwede na ba?

Dalawang taon na yun.

Baka pwede na?

Masaya naman na siya... alam mo na rin naman na masaya siya, na ligtas siya. Siguro naman ngayon pwede na, na ikaw naman ang maging masaya.

Alam kong tinutukan mo sarili mo sa loob ng dalawang taon, dinayo ang iba't ibang isla, nilusong ang ang mga dagat, at inakyat mga bundok para lang makalikas mula sa mga alaala nya. Subalit alam naman natin, sa paglubog ng araw, sa iyong paghimlay, walang kasing lamig na kalungkutan ang bumabalot sa iyong puso. Hindi ka man lumuluha, pero sa kalooblooban mo, ang puso mo'y nagluluksa bawat gabi.

"At the end of the day..."

"...no letting go"

Lahat ng ito'y bale wala na ngayon.

Kaya tama na. Dalawang taon na. Pwede na ba?

28 November 2016

Pendere - Pensare - Pensif

Drafted 27 June 2016


As much as I try to conquer my fears of swimming in the open waters, I'm engulfed not by salt water, but by a sea of emotions, anxiety, fear and doubt. It's been more than 2 years now, and I'm still struggling to stay afloat. 

Even when you and I were together, it has been drowning me. I've been crying out for help, but fearing at the same time that by reaching out to you would only mean pulling you in to my own whirlpool, drowning you with me. This is the reason why, a couple of occasions, I've offered you your safe way out: first was at the time of breaking the news to you, second was that Independence day. You rejected my offer the first time, and you pleaded for me to be selfish, to keep you all for me. And that I did. But I've become so full of myself, I've turned in to a black hole sucking in all your light. Hence I offered to set you free on Independence day.  You obliged, indulging my fancy. We had a decent break up. Yet we spent the next day together, "as friends", but it was so agonizing seeing you suffering silently, I just wanted to hold you tight and keep you safe.
There had to be consequences, for every action there is a relative and definite reaction - at least that's how the laws of physics mandates it. I've been reckless, stubborn, stupid and all because of these I've lead us more to our demise.

I'm sorry Jjampong, for hurting you over and over. I think we've finally freed each other.
Unfortunately for me though, I'm still stuck somewhere between "in love" and "letting go".

14 November 2016

Guess nothing is casual when it comes to sex.


I Feel Like Dancing

Would you take me out dancing, even just for tonight 
Shower under the bright moonlight
Let our favorite music play, as our bodies collide.

We don't have to be in love, but for tonight hold me tight
As I feel like dancing tonight, even for just a while
Let's pretend we own the night

...

22 August 2016

Relapse

그것은 사랑이나 증오 가 있는지 여부를 확인할 수없는 과거 는 항상 당신을 다시 찾습니다.

The unresolved past always finds you again, whether it is love or hatred.

27 June 2016

Recuperate


Debilitating

I just spent the past 40 minutes in the office thinking about what to write here.
Well, sadly that's a lie. It has been almost an hour now, of me badgering myself, of questions revolving around Jjampong.

Like,
Why are you still thinking about him?
Why are you still talking about him?
Why are you still hung up on him?
Why would you even consider getting back with him?
Why would you think he'd want to get back with you?
Why wouldn't he hate you?
Why are you still punishing yourself?
Why would he even care?
...

It's crappy and cheesy as hell for the answer I have for all of those. Yet, the question still remains:

Why do you still love him?

For every Jjampong-question, I only have one answer.

I love him.

Unfortunately... this means nothing right now. Nada. 

20 May 2016

Uma Pitada de Sol e um Vislumbre de Esperança


During my Marinduque getaway, a lot has been settled in my mind after spending a whole day doing nothing. Taking a few laps in the open waters, sipping freshly concocted mojitos, and sitting by the shore....aaaah, a clean break from all my worries.

"You have to allow a certain amount of time in which you are doing nothing in order to have things occur to you, to let your mind think" - Mortimer Adler

06 May 2016

Mid Year Status

Quick rundown of what I've been up to the past couple of weeks:

  • Basically back-to-back work, no play, for 3 straight months. Average sleeping time 3-5 hours. 6 if I'm lucky.
  • Series marathon (watched mostly while at work. so much for "no play" :P). This time covered mostly Asian series: Addicted/Heroin Season1 (Chinese), Love Sick Season 1&2 (Thai), Descendants of the Sun (Korean), Oh My Ghostess (Korean).
  • Had an awesome vacation over the Labor day weekend, a break from the city hustle. Scenic island hoping in Marinduque. 
  • Spending time with dear old friends, and meeting new ones along the trip has always been a blessing. Cheers to good times! 
  • Cheers to drunken folly for knocking some sense in to my head. What else was bound to happen when you're sharing a round of beers and mojito with a freshly broken heart, and another who's was still hung up on past love? 
Going to a far off island and spending a whole day doing nothing, make you see things on a better perspective. 


PS. continuation of this post deserved it's own entry.

22 April 2016

sōlārī

If you would just hold me
keep me in your arms,
keep my troubled heart still
shelter my lost soul
cuddle my fears
calm my worries
soothe this unhurt pain
Just, hold me, please
keep my troubled heart
in your arms
where I always find
solace

14 April 2016

기가 막혀 ... like freshly-baked home-made cookies

"You got a new haircut eh?"


As he was opening the door, on his way out.

"I got bored.", I quipped.

"It looks nice! You look nice."

His parting words, under his smile, as the door closed after him.

12 April 2016

Razbliuto


“for those memories are now
just like these little kittens
I hold in my hands

those can be kissed
and treasured
but not held too tightly.” 
― Sanober KhanTurquoise Silence

11 April 2016

21 March 2016

Saudade


Vai minha tristeza
E diz a ela
Que sem ela não pode ser
Diz-lhe numa prece
Que ela regresse
Por que eu não posso mais sofrer
Chega de saudade
A realidade
É que sem ela não há paz
Não há beleza
É só tristeza
E a melancolia
Que não sai de mim
Não sai de mim, não sai

14 March 2016

Admission

For some unthinkable reason, I miss Jjampong more than ever. But not the yearning type of missing. I just plainly miss him. Everyday for the past weeks, despite the stuff I'm dealing with, he'd slide in to thought. Even when there were days that I don't consciously remember him, there's that feeling that I have drained myself thinking of him. I did dream of him once this month but a very faint and vague one at that, the type you'd forget the moment you wake up.

Unthinkable I say, for we had no contact since...well, the break up, and it's been more than a year ago. He did reply to my birthday greeting last August, a brief "Thanks.". No word since then until someone notified me he's off to another country for a short business trip; to which I couldn't help myself but text him a farewell. I'm completely on a social media block out, as I figured since he blocked me from Facebook.  Not a single trace of him, even through common friends - I guess they're doing us a favor or some sort.

I miss him, I just do. I can't deny that. I'm simply acknowledging that.

Besides that... there's one thing that's worth to be acknowledged. Surprising as it seems, as it caught me off-guard. I blurted it out to myself, not too loud for anyone to hear...




"Given another chance, I'd fight for your love. No letting go this time...never."

04 March 2016

Nay or Yay:: Your take on cheating.

Listening to Boys' Night Out last February 17th, their topic of discussion: Cheating.

I didn't take down minutes of the discussion, but some points raised that quite hit a mark - spot on:
  1. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
  2. Either you're a cheater, or a changing man. So which are you?
  3. Lying coincides with cheating - one cannot exist without the other.
  4. Facebook, (or any social media platform) is the root of cheating.
  5. How much can one forgive a cheating partner?
  6. When a cheater realize how much he will lose, it can change him.

What's your take on any of the mentioned items?

15 February 2016

Tell me something I can hold on to forever and never let go.

Forever and ever...

No letting go...walang bibitaw...


Those were his words... back when he and I, were a we, an us.
But since our parting, he only left me with these words - words I couldn't deny holding on to for the dear life (or love) out of me:

Whenever a guy professes his love for me, it always set off something like an internal clock, a ticking timer, a countdown to an end. For reasons I never understood, but that's how it has always been even with him. His only advantage was, I made myself believe in our fairy tale affair, with his declarations of everlasting love - of a Forever. I held on to his words for as much as I could... until today.

It has been more than a year, and I would like to hear from him again - his words that I shall forever honour and hold on to... only this time, I want to hear it differently, to hear something more...

: Tell me something I can hold on to forever and never let go.
:: Let go. 

Leap Year

2016 is a special Leap Year, with the a skip on the calendar dates in the middle of the February.


*sigh*....
Pardon me, just couldn't put down my thoughts into words.
My head's all in a clutter, I feel stuck on a gutter.

Oh bummer.

01 February 2016

9 Years and Counting

Right before my eyes, it struck me...
My longest relationship is with PR. 

A bit surprised to be honest. A random chat with a guy from PlanetRomeo just gave me this realization. Even when I was with Jjampong, I was having an affair with PR though I was seeing it differently at that time.

hmm...

I know that it's a hunting ground for the horngry, a meat shop for the famished. But it's also a haven for the lost, and lonely. Well, at least for me. The comfort of a random chat was enough to distract me from my weary. It may sound like an overstatement, but PR  was more than a hookup place for me; it served as a portal for me to meet and date guys, and was even fortunate to have had a chance with Jjampong.

...what am I driving at?

I didn't realize it soon enough, that I've established a relationship with PR itself, not exactly the guys in it. Basically, I should set my foot out in the real world if I were to look for a relationship, and stop living through that blue planet. I really have to break up with PR. The thing is... I'm not ready yet.


PS.
Lame entry for today. I actually have other things on my plate. Just for the sake of making space, I had to dish this one out. This is one of those times that blogging serves as a Pensieve. I'll have to tackle this issue some other time, perhaps on a better perspective.

26 January 2016

Pieces of You [Drafted on 30th December 2011]

***
I just found this in my drafts. It was written way back... I remember not publishing it that time since the guy being referred to had access to the blog. Now, I think it's safe to publish, since I doubt he bothers to hear from me.
***

18 January 2016