Pendere - Pensare - Pensif

Drafted 27 June 2016

As much as I try to conquer my fears of swimming in the open waters, I'm engulfed not by salt water, but by a sea of emotions, anxiety, fear and doubt. It's been more than 2 years now, and I'm still struggling to stay afloat. 

Even when you and I were together, it has been drowning me. I've been crying out for help, but fearing at the same time that by reaching out to you would only mean pulling you in to my own whirlpool, drowning you with me. This is the reason why, a couple of occasions, I've offered you your safe way out: first was at the time of breaking the news to you, second was that Independence day. You rejected my offer the first time, and you pleaded for me to be selfish, to keep you all for me. And that I did. But I've become so full of myself, I've turned in to a black hole sucking in all your light. Hence I offered to set you free on Independence day.  You obliged, indulging my fancy. We had a decent break up. Yet we spent the next day together, "as friends", but it was so agonizing seeing you suffering silently, I just wanted to hold you tight and keep you safe.

There had to be consequences, for every action there is a relative and definite reaction - at least that's how the laws of physics mandates it. I've been reckless, stubborn, stupid and all because of these I've lead us more to our demise.

I'm sorry Jjampong, for hurting you over and over. I think we've finally freed each other.

Unfortunately for me though, I'm still stuck somewhere between "in love" and "letting go".

Debilitating

I just spent the past 40 minutes in the office thinking about what to write here.
Well, sadly that's a lie. It has been almost an hour now, of me badgering myself, of questions revolving around Jjampong.

Like,
Why are you still thinking about him?
Why are you still talking about him?
Why are you still hung up on him?
Why would you even consider getting back with him?
Why would you think he'd want to get back with you?
Why wouldn't he hate you?
Why are you still punishing yourself?
Why would he even care?
...

It's crappy and cheesy as hell for the answer I have for all of those. Yet, the question still remains:

Why do you still love him?

For every Jjampong-question, I only have one answer.

I love him.

Unfortunately... this means nothing right now. Nada. 

Q4 update. This one's a chatty entry.

How come kung kailan ako hindi nagsusulat, o nagpopost e saka ako humahakot ng page views?

So I had to check Jjampong's blog, usually kasi ganun - may sinulat siya kaya lang may magcheck ng blog ko. 

Pending Press Release, and Laundry.

Apparently, something is brewing- and  it's not as tasty as fresh coffee.

Hindi naman ako celebrity, at wala [pa! - at this point in time] akong balak magshow biz... but lately, people have been getting into my pants. Kung ano man pong suot kong underwear (o kung may suot man nga), it is between me and my partner (Yes, I do think about the undies I wear especially if we're meeting or going out 😄). Why do some people like to put their hands in other people's pockets when there's nothing to pullout from them? 

I'm good with doing the laundry, and I'm not embarrassed of that fact. But I don't wash my dirty laundry in public, under the scrutiny of obsessive passersby. Ibibilad ko sa arawan ang aking labada... hindi nga lang ngayong tag-ulan.

Ten things on Us, Me, and Him

So we came across another survey, the 10-10-10 Us-Me-Him survey and we decided to answer it ourselves. Kaso hinati namin. we'll be giving 5 each.  So you'll have to check his answers too.

A Quickie

as much as I'd like to have a long discourse about sex, I can't -  for the lack of time, creativity and energy,. oh and libido.

I'd simply would like to declare that, I WOULD LIKE A HOT FUCKING GOODSEXY TIME.

But...
I can't.

Because when I start going down on business....
I lose...

"focus".

It's actually a realization, that when I go for a hookup, I kind of bail out, or umaagtras ang libog, on the last minute. Call it hang up, inhibition, indecisiveness...
I simply call it, "Not meant for me".

I do get horny most of the time. My libido spikes up that it drives me rabid. But in the end, a reckless hookup doesn't drive me to the edge. I may yearn for flesh, for heat, for ecstasy, orgasm to the brink of eternity... But without romance and passion to drive me uphill and push me off the edge, they're all but naught to me.

3 in one plus 1

No, there weren't any ice cream served then. It was about four or five years ago, back then I was in my sexual state...

On Sex and Alcohol

This is how it usually goes for me.



Except for shooting truck tires, yes, this is almost always the case for me. I really don't mix sex with alcohol.  There was, however,  only one instance that I had. And it was also my first and only group activity. You may call it foursome, but I think  it was more of a three-plus-onesome. I'll fill you in on the details some other time.

Intimacy, a Yearning

Playing in my head for a few days now...
This is the sound of intimacy. The feeling and mood this music gives me, that's how I'd like it to be when I'm making out with my guy...

the touch of his warm hands, 
the smooth caress of his lips, 
the strong embrace and pressing firm body...

All of these and more, that would make me sink deeper in his arms...

sigh...


This music shall play on cue, whenever that blissful moment arise.