25 December 2015

If You Forget Me

I want you to know 
one thing. 

You know how this is: 
if I look 
at the crystal moon, at the red branch 
of the slow autumn at my window, 
if I touch 
near the fire 
the impalpable ash 
or the wrinkled body of the log, 
everything carries me to you, 
as if everything that exists, 
aromas, light, metals, 
were little boats 
that sail 
toward those isles of yours that wait for me. 

Well, now, 
if little by little you stop loving me 
I shall stop loving you little by little

If suddenly 
you forget me 
do not look for me, 
for I shall already have forgotten you. 

If you think it long and mad, 
the wind of banners 
that passes through my life, 
and you decide 
to leave me at the shore 
of the heart where I have roots, 
that on that day, 
at that hour, 
I shall lift my arms 
and my roots will set off 
to seek another land. 

if each day, 
each hour, 
you feel that you are destined for me 
with implacable sweetness, 
if each day a flower 
climbs up to your lips to seek me, 
ah my love, ah my own, 
in me all that fire is repeated, 
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, 
my love feeds on your love, beloved, 
and as long as you live it will be in your arms 
without leaving mine.
by Pablo Neruda

10 September 2015


P: "You seem to be blooming lately. So... who's the guy?"  
VS: "Blooming? Ako? Guy who?"  
P: "Sinong dinedate mo ngayon at blooming ka?"  
VS: "I'm not dating anyone, and hindi pa kaya."   
P: "Ah... pero in fairness blooming ka laetely."  
VS: "Blooming sa tag-tuyot? Hmmm... that's rare. Pero I think I know what you mean. Lately I do feel lighter, may kakaibang indayog sa mga hakbang ko; napapangiti ng mga pinakamaliliit na bagay... May natatanging kilig na matagal ko nang di nadarama."  
P: "Waw... pero walang nagpapakilig sa 'yo?"  
VS: "Wala nga e... I mean walang actively nagpapakilig or anything. Tagtuyot nga."  
P: "Blooming sa tagtuyot."  
VS: "Exactly. Parang isang cactus."  
P: "Amazing..." 
VS: *clears throat. In an old man's voice* "A flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all."  
P: "Asus... Pero pag nasobrahan ng dilig, nalalanta." 
VS: *stares for a moment* 
VS: "Cactus nga talaga." 

The Closest Encounters with the EX.

A random chatter yesterday...
N: "Nakita ko si ex mo sa Aura one time... bakit parang ang lamya na nya?"
VS: "What do you mean malamya? "
N: "Pagirl." 
VS: "I doubt that. Bihis babae?" 
N: "Hindi naman, but his demeanor changed. The last time I saw him with you, he's like 90% guy, lalaking laki at hindi aakalaing gay. But when I saw him he's too pa-girl, 30-70, 30% na lang pagkalalaki." 
VS: "I'd still doubt that. Perhaps the last time you saw us together you only saw the timid side of him. He's like that especially when he's around strangers. But I've seen him when he's with family and his closest friends, he does get a bit uhm, loud and goofy. But not pa-girl.
N: "You need not be defensive you know? Ex mo na siya, remember?
It's not being defensive... or is it? Hmm....
Prior to this I also got word from an old friend who works in the same company with my ex. Apparently he's popular...
VS: "... you work at [company] pala. By any chance you work with [ex's full name]? 
M: "Yung bading?" 
VS: "'bading'?" 
M: "Sabi ng mga officemates ko bading daw yun. Bakit kaanu-ano mo ba yun?" 
VS: "Have you met him?" 
M: "Hindi, e magkaiba kami department. Pero nakikita ko siya. Ang ingay nya e. 
VS:"Palabiro kasi yun."   
M: "Basta naiingayan ako sa kanya. Bakit mo pala natanong?"
Then I just had to segue and change the course of discussion. This old friend of mine doesn't know my sexual preference and that I dated guys. She looks up to me as a kuya. But to be honest bothered ako. Parang hindi ko na kilala ang ex ko. O sadyang malaki na nagbago sa kanya since we parted ways?

The other night I had a dream and he was in it. We were in a car, not his, and this time he was in the passenger seat. I was driving. In that dream we were having a banter...
VS: "So kumusta ka naman since we 'parted ways'?  
J: "Parted ways? Diba tinaboy mo ko, remember?   
VS: "Ako nantaboy? I remember ikaw yung last nantaboy. 
J: "Basta may nantaboy." 
VS: "Well, so how did we end up talking right now." 
J: "Ewan ko sayo." 
*At this point I realized I was dreaming. Yes, m subconscious speaks in my dreams apart from the dream Me* 
VS: "Well it's not like we're getting back together you huh?" 
J:" Sheesh..." 
VS:"Ang yabang! Haha... But that is a funny thought. Funny in the sense na it wouldn't be a good idea." 
J:"Ewan ko sayo!" 
VS:" Well at least we're talking, Sungit." 
J: *stares for awhile then looks out of the window*

End of dream sequence. Lately I've been wanting to make random conversations with him by text, just to know how has he been doing. But I guess it wouldn't be a good time yet. I don't' even know if there will be any time at all.

01 August 2015

Well I'll be Dammed

There have been a lot of times that I feel like blogging. Sudden moments when the thoughts are reeling, the emotions blazing, and the words flowing... but those moments are of the most inconvenient circumstances. Either I'm in the bath, bus, or bed.

26 May 2015

Time to break the silence

It's comforting to receive such comments. It's been awhile since somebody checked on me like this. Though it's a simple gesture, it's a good icebreaker... especially when you feel buried in a ton of ice cold desertment.

So going back to the query... I honestly don't know how to answer this. How am I? In terms of what exactly? How have I been doing?

14 January 2015

Pen and Paper

Until I find my peace, I won't be blogging here for a long while.
I'm going back to the basics, and hopefully mend my heart in the process.