Bright Lights Bigger City

Now Friday's coolBut there's somethin about Saturday nightYou can't say what you won't doCause you know that you just might

RD and I have been apart for weeks now, about 2 weeks, since he's on vacation back home in Davao. And I'm in Manila, not on vacation, nor a break. I'm starting to doubt myself, and where our relationship stands. We've been apart for weeks, apart this holiday season... and I haven't been really in touch with him. I didn't even call in for Christmas, nor text him belated greetings. I don't even exactly miss him. I have thought about him, but not exactly miss him. Wala yung feeling na "gustung gusto ko siya makita".

Should I feel bad?

He's been texting, "good night", "how are you?", "I'm bored..".
I reply naman; "sleep tight", "i'm fine.", "I'm busy".

But we haven't talked, as in a free flowing conversation. It's either I'm too busy, or I am that lousy. hmm?

Oh, and I've been more in touch with guys from PR. Does that make it worse?

A Bowl of Hot Soup and A Warm Hug :: LQ epsiode 1

Apparently RD is not willing to share some tonight.

On Fucking Labels :: How You Hold Me Draws Me Closer (Wrap Up)

... Satisfied na ako na fucking friends tayo. Ayoko ng long courtship.

Indécis

Every time we're together I've been looking forward to the end of our day, cuddling in your bed. There something about how you touch me that makes me wanting more; the way you wrap your arms around me, never letting go, that draws me deeper in your embrace. Through the night you never lifted your arms off me, you always pull me closer instead.

This is what I've been wishing to come home to. And you might just be the one I'd want to come home to.

But that's something I haven't cleared in my mind yet.

How You Hold Me Draws Me Closer (Part 2)

October rains were really heavy.

...

...

How You Hold Me Draws Me Closer (The Beginning)

So, for the past month, I've been dating RD, a native of Davao. RD is actually 8 years my senior and he's currently in his 3rd year of law school. Initially we traded digits from PR, and been sending random sms since then for about a month, before we finally decided to meet up.

Gusto mo ba ako maging boyfriend?

VS: Hmm, No. 

RD: Oh, okay.

and just like that, I wrapped up a DTR (define the relationship).

*foreheadpalmslap*

PS

I'll make kwento about it. i think i need to hear some comments, or a view from different perspectives. Anyone?

Reset

kung pwede lang sana, sa isang pindot, mabago ang kapalaran.

There's a psycho in my bedroom.

Madaliang post lang to.

So for an intro:

Hindi ko na ipagkakaila... I enjoy sleeping with men, and I don't mind even if it's a stranger, or on a first date or just a meetup. Yes, I sleep around with boys and men. I like the comfort of being next to a warm body, instead of an insulating pillow. Kahit malakas pa humilik, as long as I feel cozy and comfy makakatulog ako mahimbing.

hmmm... wholesome sleeping or sexytime, i really don't mind... I am a cuddle slot - since I'm sloppy with sex (this I'll have to discuss on a separate blog entry. remind me na lang),  I compensate by being cuddly and warm.

Saka ko na lang elaborate ung mga yan. On with the horror...

So last night, I entertained a boy's self invitation for a sleepover, may baon siyang excuses for not going home. Sa akin, it's simply an opportunity to know the guy since we've been exchanging messages. Edi yun na nga, pinatuloy ko na, inayos ko na rin ung separate bed na hihigaan nya, and he was on his back when he said,

"Sir Vic, matutulog na po ako. Don't worry, di kita papatayin." with a wide grin.

O_O

Seriously, ganyan yung mukha ko. TAMA BANG SABIHIN YUN SA TAONG NAGPATULOY SA YO?

That is something you don't say to your host especially if you're not fully acquainted with.

In my head, thoughts of kicking his ass, tying him up, and shoving my foot in his mouth were battling for the best idea of the moment.

Seriously, he was all awkward and shit. and his tone, the manner he speaks, was just plain creepy. 

"I've just led a psycho into my bedroom." O_O

to be continued ...

(I got to cut this now, since I have lunch date to attend to.)

Libidineux

For the past two months, I was able to enjoy the weekends - a luxury one would consider in my career. And with that much freedom, I was able to go out as much as I'd like and needed.

Being a lone single 24 year old boy (can't fully own the title of man), I've succumbed to the drive of my hormones, to the pinning of flesh, and the need to bask in eros. In two months time, I can say that I've manage to catch up with the lost years of libidinous brio, and harnessing lewd verve.

I'm a 24 year old, lonesome boy...

You cannot blame me for the macho that's within my loins; it's quite naive to expect one to suppress the salacious vim between his groin. 

Lonesun

I don't know how much more I can handle waking up alone on a Sunday.

How I wish I have every Saturday, a night of romance, intimacy or adventure...

I don't mind being alone on a Thursday or Tuesday... but on a Sunday?

I can't handle being gloomy on a Sunday, it's just ironic for me.

The Future is Bleak

sigh...

Of career, romance and life itself.

Tomorrow bears no sun, but of dark hovering clouds

No light peeks through, as the nimbus is thick of gloom

I am in thirst of life, love and hope

Not a drizzle, nor even a drop, 

The Future is bleak

What more can sustain me, if not nourish me?

How long can I last, if this can't be surpassed?

Tomorrow bears no sun, but of darkness and uncertainty

The Future is bleak, and I am but weak.

Movie Marathon of You

I've been stranded for 2 days now, with nothing but food and my laptop in bed. What could be better than a movie marathon in this downpour?

No Strings Attached
Bridesmaid
Something Borrowed

In the middle of each film, I think of you. Ashton Kutcher,Chris O'Dowd, John Krasinski. You're that sensible tall guy with a good heart, whom everyone hopes to end up with.

And by the end of the movie, with my phone in hand, I've already keyed in your name. A text saying "How are you?" or "I've been wondering when would you like to hang out again?", even something as profound as "I like you, always have...". But of course, the better of me took hold of the situation and simply left the messages unsent, deleted.

You and I are good friends, and I know how much you like to keep it that way. Don't get me wrong, I like where our friendship stands. But I can't deny the feeling inside me of seeing you more than a mere chum. There's that charm within you that, well unfortunately for me, set a spark in me. It's not because of the movies; the feeling has been with me for quite awhile now, but you constantly reminding me of how much of good friends we are have kept it at bay. Friend zone as commonly known.

I am completely fine with everything. This is not an expression of unrequited affection. I like you, that will hold true. But I also like our friendship - beyond my own selfish feelings.This is not some form of ode of hope, or of longing, nor over loss or defeat. I'm somewhere in between hoping and giving up - I don't exactly know. All I'm sure is that I'm here, the friend that you've met, wanted, and needed..

Life Goes On

Everybody seems to be out and about, busy with their own lives - dealing with their own troubles, enjoying their simple joys, or even dwelling in their own sorrows. But I'm not sure about mine. I feel so incompetent...close enough to impotent. I doubt if I'm feeling anything at all. Is pathetic a feeling, just so I can say "I feel pathetic"?

Will someone take me out for at least a glass of wine? or kahit bote ng beer kung di afford. I'd appreciate any ounce of social "charity".

(sound desperate enough?)

There's the word, and there's the meaning. Then there's the context.

I'm no expert with the language, I do commit grammatical errors. But I do find something wrong with how he utilized the word "palpable", hence the initiating query. To be objective, here's a brief background on the twat. (Kindly disregard the "online status". I'm not seriously looking for any.)

If you've noticed, I did check a dictionary. So, here's how our short conversation went:

oh and if you do have access to PR you'd get to see his current headline,which read as follows:

am i just lonely or am i just naturally horny? hahaha 

I didn't really understand what just happened.

Strong Connection

Busy lang talaga ako.

19. G 13. May. 2012 - 18:26 Ah malapit pa rin. I can visit you there. Kaibigan pwede ko bang malaman number mo?

20. VS 13. May. 2012 - 18:27 093* ** ***** work phone ko ito, don't expect me to reply on time pag nasa work ako. i usually check my phone at the end of the day for personal matters.

21. G 13. May. 2012 - 18:30 work phone? Sad. Sige huwag na lang.

22. G 13. May. 2012 - 18:55 Sana hindi na kita minesaje pa

23. VS 13. May. 2012 - 19:13 it's my personal phone too. pero i got it basically for work. busy lang talaga ako.

24. VS 13. May. 2012 - 19:13 ?

25. G 13. May. 2012 - 19:15 How can we meet kung ganiyan ka naman. Hayst.

26. VS 13. May. 2012 - 21:22 anong ganito? ano ba pagkakaintindi mo sa work phone? you're overreacting.

27. G 13. May. 2012 - 21:23 Sabi ko paano tayo magkikita kung hindi ka naman nagloload syempre kailangan natin ng pantext

28. VS 13. May. 2012 - 21:24 ? who says i don't load? i just said na i'd be too busy to reply to not so urgent messages. You put my words out of context.

29. G 13. May. 2012 - 21:26 You can't blame me we have different perception and I perceive your text differently why? You're indirect.

30. VS 13. May. 2012 - 21:46 you got poor insight.

31. G 13. May. 2012 - 21:48 Ouch.. Poor insight. Wow. Personal attack. AKO NA MAY POOR INSIGHT. AKO NA BOBO. Anong klase kang tao para magsalita sa akin ng ganiyan. WE ARE CALLED PERSON COZ' WE DO HAVE DIFFERENT PERSONALITY. I hope you got it.

32. VS 13. May. 2012 - 21:56 case in point.

33. G 13. May. 2012 - 21:57 Don't worry this would be my last message. Thank you for being NOT A GOOD PERSON.

Giving In

It all starts with a light tap
of a finger or two
or the back of your hand
Then it softly slides - a caress
Add in ample pressure
You pronate, your palm in touch
Spreading your fingers
slightly flexing
grabbing quite a handful
Your nails, they bore
tender, one way or the other
It sinks in, drawing me closer

Formal Disclosures

My idea of "coming out" is not something like holding a presscon. Hindi naman ako showbiz na tao. Among my family and relatives, I'm quite a wall flower (or not!), plus I don't think it wouldn't be much of a surprise kung mag-out man ako. But I think they'd be surprised na may mapapakilala akong guy sa kanila - something unexpected.

That's my idea of coming out, is by introducing my man to the family. My parents are quite conservative, though they are aware to homosexuality, I'm just not sure if they're open to having a gay son. My cousins, well I hear how they speak of gay men, how they make fun of them. I couldn't really care more about that, I mean, I'm not intimidated by them.

I do see myself coming out to the family. I mean to, and I'd like to. I want to introduce to them the man I (shall) choose to be with. I want them to get to know him, be chummy with him, because in that way they'll get to know me too and it will make us closer.

So what would be the indications for coming out? or At least, who'd be my ideal guy to come out with?

A Quickie

as much as I'd like to have a long discourse about sex, I can't -  for the lack of time, creativity and energy,. oh and libido.

I'd simply would like to declare that, I WOULD LIKE A HOT FUCKING GOODSEXY TIME.

But...
I can't.

Because when I start going down on business....
I lose...

"focus".

It's actually a realization, that when I go for a hookup, I kind of bail out, or umaagtras ang libog, on the last minute. Call it hang up, inhibition, indecisiveness...
I simply call it, "Not meant for me".

I do get horny most of the time. My libido spikes up that it drives me rabid. But in the end, a reckless hookup doesn't drive me to the edge. I may yearn for flesh, for heat, for ecstasy, orgasm to the brink of eternity... But without romance and passion to drive me uphill and push me off the edge, they're all but naught to me.

3 in one plus 1

No, there weren't any ice cream served then. It was about four or five years ago, back then I was in my sexual state...

On Sex and Alcohol

This is how it usually goes for me.



Except for shooting truck tires, yes, this is almost always the case for me. I really don't mix sex with alcohol.  There was, however,  only one instance that I had. And it was also my first and only group activity. You may call it foursome, but I think  it was more of a three-plus-onesome. I'll fill you in on the details some other time.

Intrigue

Sometimes it spice things up.

Whether for the good or the bad - you simply have to wait and see.

Hangover in the Morning

It just sucks! I'm kind of a morning person pa man din, and not able to have a decent breakfast just irks me. Damn hangover! haha! i think i had about a bottle and a half of 500mL RH. E RH yun... it's one of those drinks that I least prefer. But hey, who am I to complain, I was only invited last night.

When two hotties invite you for a shot..

how could you say no?


Off to a session. er.. my first inuman session in awhile. at probinsya style. hehe. puro straight pa kasama ko. sana lang matino ako diba...lalo na may hotties.


LOL

asa.

yeah, i behave better when i'm drunk. By behave, you know what i mean.

Intimacy, a Yearning

Playing in my head for a few days now...
This is the sound of intimacy. The feeling and mood this music gives me, that's how I'd like it to be when I'm making out with my guy...

the touch of his warm hands, 
the smooth caress of his lips, 
the strong embrace and pressing firm body...

All of these and more, that would make me sink deeper in his arms...

sigh...


This music shall play on cue, whenever that blissful moment arise.

SAD

What's with all those hearty decorations plastered on walls, dangling from chandeliers? Ang aga namang celebrasyon nyan, hindi ba?

It's like a countdown...
"You still have 2 days left to find a date for the V day!"

*smirks*

Hmmm... Great. so they've extended the Single Awareness Day.

Closet

Life, in Transit

A few stops here and there may actually be good. We get to take a pause to check where we're heading, how far we've gone, and the goods that we carry if we're still good to go.

[Queued post: This entry is inspired by Caloy's Coffee Prophecy on Jan 26th. ]



PS
Going through a rough patch.
Hopefully I pull myself through instead of breaking down.

Whilst There's Time

I have always kept my weekends free for possibilities, spontaneity, randomness. But for the past weeks it has been disappointing.

"I Feel Fat."

If you've seen me and heard me say this, you'd definitely slap the world out of me.
Weighing only 123 lbs at 5'7", yes, I have no K to claim that I am fat.

Blaaah. Something random. I want to go to the gym again, not to lose weight but to gain more mass. Reasons?

1. working hard and sweating out makes me feel good. Good blood flow, better circulation...*yadda yadaa*...health benefits. (LOL!)
2. a little more upper torso mass would make me look less sickly. Lampayatot is so old school, and boring.
3. looking good physically, might just boost some confidence. as well as hotness.
4. hotness is directly related to market value. increased hotness, increased market value.
5. high market value, would entail better harvest.

I don't really know marketing, economics, and those stock market.

I'm just saying, I want to get lean.

Wise as a Wisp

So it's been awhile. I've had a couple of opportunities to write an update, however I can't seem to put it down in words. There are lot of moments these past weeks that are noteworthy, but the thoughts won't seem to flow out of my head.

Hmm... now that I'm thinking about it, I've actually spoken a lot for the past weeks - more than the last month. People have been coming to me for advices and insights, and I, myself, am surprised to find out that I have a lot to say. Call it wisdom, or hoolahbaloo, but I've been feeling much wiser as the new year begun. Add to that, turning a year older this year, I think being 24 makes me see things clearly compared to being 22. 23 was a transition phase, a year of realizing realities and waking up from childhood fantasies.

I regularly log in here to see what I can babble about, but I can't put any musing in to writing and I owe it to the fact that I've been talking a lot lately. Kumbaga naihinga ko na, so its already out there and I need not write it down. This should explain the lack of update for the past weeks. :)

Mr. DB, Let's Have Cake :)

Do you like cake?

I do.

Would you like to join me over some cake, and coffee?

Avancer

As the new year unfolds, I dare not to look back. This is a year of moving forward. There's nowhere to go but forward. 

PS

One thing people should know about me, when I ask a question I expect an answer. I'm the isangtanong-isangsagot type of guy. For sure, when I ask about something important, I've given it enough thought and have prepared myself to hear the worst. So, don't worry about the truth hurting me. I'd rather have you slap me with the truth, than stab me with lies; hide as much as you like, but when I ask you face to face, don't dare deny.