04 December 2011

Back to December

I think it's my blog's anniversary soon. Oh, I 've been very busy lately with work, the vicious cycle of reports, exams, and lack of sleep. Last night, i almost missed dinner if it weren't for a housemate who invited me to eat... and it was only then i realized that I've been continuously working on my seat for the past 5 hours. Parang robot lang talaga, di man lang nakaramdam ng gutom.

So basically this entry is an update.

Something happened last week... let's call it an epiphany. Or better yet, a calling

I went to confession.
(am i hearing absurd gasps?)

Yes, I went to a priest for confession. 
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. My last confession was... - uhm.."

It's been years! Talagang sinabi ko sa pari, "Uhm, as you can see, it's been a very, very long time since my last confession. I do believe in the Sacrament of confession, that once one has confessed a sin or doing, one must not commit the same mistakes again. But knowing myself that I'd still commit these wrongdoings, i believed i was not ready for a confession. Until now..."

Yes, marami akong gusto ikumpisal sa pari dati pa. Mapagnilay din akong tao... very reflective and highly self-conscious. So for the past years every time the thought of confession comes to mind, I assess myself if I'm ready. last week, i was surprised that i actually sat beside the priest and started talking.

"I've done mostly minor sins, petty if you may, in the past that I thought didn't required confession. But I've also committed a grieve act that I'm ready to ask for forgiveness now."

The priest nods. And I looked at him intently. I came in closer and whispered, 

"Uh, father, do I have to be particular of the sins? Do i have to like, enumerate?" 

He nods again. 

"Uhm, do i have to be specific?" 

Another nod.

*grunts*

"I'd like to confess that I've been *********** for the past 3 years, But I've stopped and I've realized lately that it's not really for me."

The priests nods with his right knuckles on his chin. If i may say so, he looks bored. So time to turn the notch and up the ante.

"I do admit that i can't help it...yung *kwan*, but now I'm past that. Sure, I'm attracted to men more than women, and I'm fully aware of my homosexuality... but i don't really see myself going anywhere with it."

This is when he readjusted himself from his seat. Now I got his attention. haha!

And so I sat there for the next 20 minutes with my confession, which turned out to be more of a counselling, I think? One thought led to another, and I think the priest was doing selective listening. Well, di ko rin siya masisisi, he wasn't really expecting that kind of confession at that time, I think.

In the end, he did give me insight and enlightenment, two things I've been searching most of my life. And he simply sent me off with the following message:
  1. Attend mass not as an obligation, but as means of keeping your ties with God. 
  2. Pray the rosary, it helps to put off those distractions.
  3. START NOW. To get to that point you truly desire, you have to start now.
He also commended my person for being insightful and having the intuition that I've shown to possess.

I bowed my head, as he said prayers, and I left to join in the mass.

I can't really relay the whole thing. But I've already started on the NOW. I'm on my way back to the person l've left behind just to wander off. Now is the time to take pursue the road straight to the destination. No more segues. 

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Is this why you said its too late already? (re your prev post)

Grey said...

You are the priest I confess my sins to. Haha.

Mowgli said...

I'm afraid of going to confessions unlike when I was a Catholic school boy. I feel like the priest would burn me alive if I tell him all the sins I've committed during the recent years.

Victor Saudad said...

@Dear Anon, please do come up with an alias so I'll know if you are the same anon from the previous post. :) Well about that...initially I was a too late since the person has not been online for awhile now, that's why I can't get to him.

Then there is this.... so yes, i think, it is too late now. But i've been giving it some thinking...I'd still like to have that coffee. A good chat with a hot cup of coffee wouldn't be such a bad idea, eh? ;)

Victor Saudad said...

@Grey, I cannot absolve you of your sins my dear child. :P Oh, this reminds me, I did have a calling to priesthood when I was younger...
hehe

@Mowgli, when I was a Catholic schoolboy ( in gradeschool), I only went to confession for the First Holy Communion and Confirmation, and I had the basic formula, "i've been a bad brother, disobedient son, and lazy student...sometimes." It was never as sincere as this confession.

Herbs D. said...

HA! really?

why not try going out more and explore your sexuality alot more further. besides, you're still young.

Brian said...

I haven't been to confession in a long while! I'm not sure I believe in it. Hahaha. And congrats for catching the priest's attention! Haha! From the sound of it, he wasn't THAT homophobic?

Nishi said...

i totally agree with herbs. explore your sexuality. no, i'm not saying have sex everyday. being gay or straight or bi (~lesbian, transgendered life~) involves a lot more than sex.

Victor Saudad said...

@Herbs and
@Nishiboy:

I have been exploring my sexuality since high school, and it was from this exploration that I've come to my current state. I don't really need to go out more. Sex or not sex, I have seen most of it all. I'm done exploring, and I think I've been done with it for quite a long time now - I was just too distracted from realizing that.

I need not put into words how I define my sexuality. But let's just say it's fluid.

Victor Saudad said...

@Brian:
I'm a man of beliefs, not exactly of religion. Going to Confession did give me a huge sense of relief.

Justin said...

Think am going to hell. I claim that I'm a Catholic yet my last confession with a live priest was when I was in sixth grade. Tsk.

Victor Saudad said...

Justin, it's not yet late to go to confession. Advent season is a good time to go to confession. :)