Letters to Self :: 2009-11-01

1:33 AM 

I have issues as M implied and it was because of this that it’d be best to end our relationship. And a friend suggests that I address these issues, which by now I have no idea what they were. Perhaps M was right, that the effect of our relationship on me was in a negative way. It affects me in different aspects of my life- it disturbs my studies, disrupts my rhythm, blinds my perspective, and shakes me off my stance. I’m utterly vulnerable to and because of him.  

Vulnerable. I don’t know if that should be the case or not. He told me before, when he said he wasn’t “ready yet to give his all”, that he’s waiting for the time he’d allow himself to be vulnerable like he used to be in his past relationship. It’s in the same context that he realized that he’s being unfair to me, being in a relationship with me though he’s holding back as I’m vulnerable and all. We were at different pace, that I didn’t understand that time.  

Time. “Given the circumstances, it’d be best to end it. Perhaps it’s not yet time...”. What were the circumstances currently pressing us to end it? Our pursuit of our careers, my issues, and his lost of trust. Does time really have anything to do with it? I asked if we could work it out, he practically gave up, and believe it to be pointless and would just be unreal. That it’d just cause more pain in the future, so better to just end it now. Another question, would it still be possible for us to get back together? “You have issues”, was all I could remember from his response and he doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. That’s a hopeful statement, as soon as I deal with my issues I can check us up again? Is that what you’re saying?

Questions need answers. Perhaps in time, I’ll know.