28 December 2010

I'd never thought you'd notice.

I just got home from my weekend... a Christmas gathering in the province, to a meet up with two strangers on separate occasions. and I went online at once. Of course to check on Mr.A, for I haven't heard from him in awhile... not a single text, since he made it clear to me he's not fond of the holidays.

So I checked first his straight blog, then went to his closet blog (his gay blog). pretty interesting latest entry... anonymous shoutouts to certain hey you's. To be honest, I don't know if i'm the other hey you (since i do have a clue who's the first guy). As much as i'd like to think it's me, my guts tell me not to claim it for myself.

here's an excerpt:
"My apologies, man if you misconstrued my words and my gestures as flirty. I'm just being friendly, swear to god. If you fell for that, lemme tell you it wasn't intentional. It's just how I am."
which, paranoia might have strike me, made me think this could be me. might be me.
then again, he ends the entry with:
"Gawd, so this is how it feels when a friend shows that he wants to be more than friends."
... on my part, I don't think I made any move as to intentionally show how i wanted to go beyond the friendship.

or perhaps my passive-aggressiveness got the better of me?


okay, fine! I have been trying to distance myself from Mr.A. Keeping distance is the safest thing to do right now. but honestly, it's tearing me inside. just a bit. Like the other night, i was so drunk i wanted to call him in the middle of the night just to tell him how i can't stop thinking about him. but i guess, i wasn't drunk enough to even give him a ring.

sigh... even if i made that call... i... i got nothing to say.

hm. he likes another guy. I'd like to support him on that, as what friends do. but, hopefully i'd be able to do that without betraying myself.

Still not sure with
What I should have said...

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