Lose It All

What started out to be a random rant about not being able to move on, turned into a summation of the year that passed. It's quite early for a year-ender, but this post basically sums up 2017 for me. Just had to look for a soundtrack other than Ellie Goulding's Still Falling for You.

Shower Dyshporia

As the cold water drizzles over his skin, he stands in the shower with his head lowered staring down at the pooling water at his feet. Words from old conversations echoing in his head. Then it struck him in a raspy whisper, "Unworthy". The feeling of rejection swamping over him, as his self-worth slowly pouring down the drain. He lathers his body with callous hands, gently but firmly running his hands down his shoulders, locking into an embrace. Water or tears, it all keeps flowing down his face.

Questioning Heart

I've been questioning myself, constantly,
Do I even know how to love?

With what we went through, I keep questioning myself,
Did I even love you?

Because I've been hearing from others, in failed relationships there are lessons learned...
And I keep on reflecting on ours...

I thought that I did not know how to love, but perhaps I did not make you feel loved at all.
So that question lingers.. haunts me...

Do I not love you at all?
When all I wanted was only the best for you, even knowing I'm not that one for you.

Isn't it love, when all you have in heart and mind, and even in prayers,
are the best for that one person, despite being out of their mind, out of their sight, and out of their lives?

House Chore Epiphany

He looks at the mess that is his house; his worn clothes scattered all over the place, as well as papers and documents on top of every surface. He takes a long look at his mess, and starts picking up the laundry a piece at a time. At that moment, it struck him. All this time, he's been yearning for release from his shackled past, and that all he's been doing were all for naught. Every step he took, every deed done, were all but a glimpse of escape, and not much of the freedom that he's thirsting for.

Relapse

그것은 사랑이나 증오 가 있는지 여부를 확인할 수없는 과거 는 항상 당신을 다시 찾습니다.

The unresolved past always finds you again, whether it is love or hatred.

Debilitating

I just spent the past 40 minutes in the office thinking about what to write here.
Well, sadly that's a lie. It has been almost an hour now, of me badgering myself, of questions revolving around Jjampong.

Like,
Why are you still thinking about him?
Why are you still talking about him?
Why are you still hung up on him?
Why would you even consider getting back with him?
Why would you think he'd want to get back with you?
Why wouldn't he hate you?
Why are you still punishing yourself?
Why would he even care?
...

It's crappy and cheesy as hell for the answer I have for all of those. Yet, the question still remains:

Why do you still love him?

For every Jjampong-question, I only have one answer.

I love him.

Unfortunately... this means nothing right now. Nada. 

Nay or Yay:: Your take on cheating.

Listening to Boys' Night Out last February 17th, their topic of discussion: Cheating.

I didn't take down minutes of the discussion, but some points raised that quite hit a mark - spot on:

1. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
2. Either you're a cheater, or a changing man. So which are you?
3. Lying coincides with cheating - one cannot exist without the other.
4. Facebook, (or any social media platform) is the root of cheating.
5. How much can one forgive a cheating partner?
6. When a cheater realize how much he will lose, it can change him.

What's your take on any of the mentioned items?

Pieces of You [Drafted on 30th December 2011]

***

I just found this in my drafts. It was written way back... I remember not publishing it that time since the guy being referred to had access to the blog. Now, I think it's safe to publish, since I doubt he bothers to hear from me.

***

Well I'll be Dammed

There have been a lot of times that I feel like blogging. Sudden moments when the thoughts are reeling, the emotions blazing, and the words flowing... but those moments are of the most inconvenient circumstances. Either I'm in the bath, bus, or bed.

Q4 update. This one's a chatty entry.

How come kung kailan ako hindi nagsusulat, o nagpopost e saka ako humahakot ng page views?

So I had to check Jjampong's blog, usually kasi ganun - may sinulat siya kaya lang may magcheck ng blog ko. 

Pending Press Release, and Laundry.

Apparently, something is brewing- and  it's not as tasty as fresh coffee.

Hindi naman ako celebrity, at wala [pa! - at this point in time] akong balak magshow biz... but lately, people have been getting into my pants. Kung ano man pong suot kong underwear (o kung may suot man nga), it is between me and my partner (Yes, I do think about the undies I wear especially if we're meeting or going out 😄). Why do some people like to put their hands in other people's pockets when there's nothing to pullout from them? 

I'm good with doing the laundry, and I'm not embarrassed of that fact. But I don't wash my dirty laundry in public, under the scrutiny of obsessive passersby. Ibibilad ko sa arawan ang aking labada... hindi nga lang ngayong tag-ulan.

Batugan Blues

Yep. I'm currently (still) unemployed. Kahit stipend or abuloy wala akong natatanggap except na lang sa monthly life support ng aking magulang. Yes, sa edad kong ito, fully dependent pa rin ako. Oh, and I haven't really earned a living as of this point of my life/career.

Mas malala pa ngayon, totally batugan ako. Kain-tulog lang ang takbo ng oras ko.
uhm, well, date with my boyfriend of course, either indoor or outdoor. Pero no out of town or major vacations muna. hm, given na walang budget.

Hmm... ano ba sasabihin ko? Well I don't really divulge much detail on my life, or even aspects of it.
hmmmm....

Easy

By definition, requiring or indicating little effort,
thought or reflection
that it may be readily taken advantage of
it involves little difficulty or discomfort
not difficult to endure or undergo
free from pain annoyance and anxiety

Now if you put it into context, let's say, of love and commitment…
doesn't it get tangled up somehow? 
It's a matter of whether it is or it's not

Love is easy. 

Perhaps saying those words is not really hard at all, especially if it meant nothing.

Love is not easy.

That would explain why people end up broken-hearted.

Being with you is easy. 

Maybe we're just promiscuous.

Being with you was not easy.

Explains how quickly you left.

It's easy to end this.

It's no longer burdensome for you

It's so easy to get out and leave.

So why bother staying?

Everyone would rather keep things easy…
but how come I find it hard to keep things easy?

Streaming 2013-12-30 :: I wish you'd just hold me tight

Its been weeks of being in this state - of being clingy. a side of me I'm still getting to know, and so far I'm not fond of it.

 Its sickening, my body is rejecting it. But no matter how I induce it, I can't simply spit it out.

I can't shake it off... And I've been trying my best to be in control of it, but my strength seem to falter. I'm losing my composure...

OA lang ba ako... ? Ganito ba talaga?  I have never been this far in a relationship... And I'm scared that I might do something wrong that would just wreck everything.

It's been easy to engage in a relationship...but I'm not as equipped as I thought I was for a commitment.

I'm scared... That I might have a wrong grasp of things, of Truth not being by  my side.

The Future is Bleak

sigh...

Of career, romance and life itself.

Tomorrow bears no sun, but of dark hovering clouds

No light peeks through, as the nimbus is thick of gloom

I am in thirst of life, love and hope

Not a drizzle, nor even a drop, 

The Future is bleak

What more can sustain me, if not nourish me?

How long can I last, if this can't be surpassed?

Tomorrow bears no sun, but of darkness and uncertainty

The Future is bleak, and I am but weak.

Giving In

It all starts with a light tap
of a finger or two
or the back of your hand
Then it softly slides - a caress
Add in ample pressure
You pronate, your palm in touch
Spreading your fingers
slightly flexing
grabbing quite a handful
Your nails, they bore
tender, one way or the other
It sinks in, drawing me closer

Stream 2011-10-08

the idea of it

a prodrome

thumping pulse

building pressure

manifesting aura

Why the sudden compulsion?

For something that has never occurred before

a phenomenon, a rare feat

an adventure awaits

just for me to take bait

or perhaps an omen

of evil things to transpire

exchange of heat, perspire!

Of mischief, no profit

malignant, might not be revertant

Malate

a bruit on auscultation, tempting invitation

sanity on obtundation, inexistent salvation

a need, of instinct and drive, a must to jive

listless, restless, must not be fruitless

Malate

should I succumb, to what could be a catacomb?

Impetus

Out on a saturday night - alone. Well it's not unusual, it's just that tonight, I'm feeling quite lonesome.
...
...

Hmm... I was intending to go for a more formal entry, but...wth.

Weekend!

I wish to enjoy this weekend. Definitely, kakain ako! haha! Wala muna shopping, sa pagkain ko na muna ilalaan ang moolah :D

Pasta ang kinasasabikan ko all this time! Tsaka sushi! YUM!!!

They say that our food cravings actually correspond to a particular mood. Like for example, pasta. Sex daw ang tunay na ibig sabihin nyan. Well, kung iisipin, pwede. Carbs in general is craved by people with huge appetite, those who require immediate source of energy. These people are also observed to be engaged in activities that require more of endurance rather than strength.

You can google it yourself, just key in "food cravings mood" and find yourself a good read. Medyo tinatamad ako magsulat. Also, I need to prepare now - going out for dinner with friends. Ciao!

Stream 2011-07-16

a text
an invite
a set place
by the station
agreed, settled
we meet
a short walk
up a motel
down on bed
3 hours in all
we leave
parted ways
past 11
it's late
beyond curfew
a long walk back
in the dark
along the streets
unfamiliar faces
strange crowd
alien passing
dim lights
creeping shadows
unforeseen alleys
haunting thoughts
regret?
can't disregard
how could I?
can't deny
Is it that bad?
i am in longing...
that much.