Nom de Guerre

Born on 20th of October 2009, a pseudonym I penned for myself. 

Victor : from Latin victor, from victus, past participle of vincere, to conquer

Saudade : from Portuguese saudade, from soidade/soydade, an intimate feeling and mood caused by the longing for something absent that is being missed

He's born to conquer my feelings of longing for erst-while lovers.

Yet, it feels he's not living up to his name.

Debilitating

I just spent the past 40 minutes in the office thinking about what to write here.
Well, sadly that's a lie. It has been almost an hour now, of me badgering myself, of questions revolving around Jjampong.

Like,
Why are you still thinking about him?
Why are you still talking about him?
Why are you still hung up on him?
Why would you even consider getting back with him?
Why would you think he'd want to get back with you?
Why wouldn't he hate you?
Why are you still punishing yourself?
Why would he even care?
...

It's crappy and cheesy as hell for the answer I have for all of those. Yet, the question still remains:

Why do you still love him?

For every Jjampong-question, I only have one answer.

I love him.

Unfortunately... this means nothing right now. Nada. 

Admission

For some unthinkable reason, I miss Jjampong more than ever. But not the yearning type of missing. I just plainly miss him. Everyday for the past weeks, despite the stuff I'm dealing with, he'd slide in to thought. Even when there were days that I don't consciously remember him, there's that feeling that I have drained myself thinking of him. I did dream of him once this month but a very faint and vague one at that, the type you'd forget the moment you wake up.

Unthinkable I say, for we had no contact since...well, the break up, and it's been more than a year ago. He did reply to my birthday greeting last August, a brief "Thanks.". No word since then until someone notified me he's off to another country for a short business trip; to which I couldn't help myself but text him a farewell. I'm completely on a social media block out, as I figured since he blocked me from Facebook.  Not a single trace of him, even through common friends - I guess they're doing us a favor or some sort.

I miss him, I just do. I can't deny that. I'm simply acknowledging that.

Besides that... there's one thing that's worth to be acknowledged. Surprising as it seems, as it caught me off-guard. I blurted it out to myself, not too loud for anyone to hear...

"Given another chance, I'd fight for your love. No letting go this time...never."

9 Years and Counting

Right before my eyes, it struck me...

My longest relationship is with PR. 

A bit surprised to be honest. A random chat with a guy from PlanetRomeo just gave me this realization. Even when I was with Jjampong, I was having an affair with PR though I was seeing it differently at that time.

hmm...

I know that it's a hunting ground for the horngry, a meat shop for the famished. But it's also a haven for the lost, and lonely. Well, at least for me. The comfort of a random chat was enough to distract me from my weary. It may sound like an overstatement, but PR  was more than a hookup place for me; it served as a portal for me to meet and date guys, and was even fortunate to have had a chance with Jjampong.

...what am I driving at?

I didn't realize it soon enough, that I've established a relationship with PR itself, not exactly the guys in it. Basically, I should set my foot out in the real world if I were to look for a relationship, and stop living through that blue planet. I really have to break up with PR. The thing is... I'm not ready yet.


PS.
Lame entry for today. I actually have other things on my plate. Just for the sake of making space, I had to dish this one out. This is one of those times that blogging serves as a Pensieve. I'll have to tackle this issue some other time, perhaps on a better perspective.

Failure to Launch

Well, my desired hiatus will be cancelled and shall be rescheduled on a much appropriate busy time.

I have a lot of free time on my hands that I'm quite unsettled how to spend or waste it. Unlike before, I never had this much free time. During my internship, I always find a task to do, not comfortable whiling away sitting or waiting for the time off. You could say I'm quite the workaholic, willing to go on overtime  even without extra pay (uhm, I didn't get paid at all to begin with).

...balewala pala ang pamamaalam ko sa nakaraang lathala, kung hindi ko rin naman pala ito magagawa.

Which had me thinking - this is a flaw of mine.Consider this entry as to what made Jjampong decide to leave me...or at least a part of it.

What Stirred Such Controversial Text

Prelude: the abominable text.

That Grievous Thing

The only way

to cope with something

deadly serious

is to try to treat it

a little lightly.

— A Wrinkle in Time

Jjampong does not find it amusing when I talk about it with humor. He finds it inappropriate and cruel. Will I ever make kwento about it? 

Ten things on Us, Me, and Him

So we came across another survey, the 10-10-10 Us-Me-Him survey and we decided to answer it ourselves. Kaso hinati namin. we'll be giving 5 each.  So you'll have to check his answers too.

By the Garden Swing, We Pour Ourselves Another Drink

21 December 2013

Right Answers

While I was at work, being up for about 26 hours, with a few stolen winks in between. Being at work for this month has been a breeze so far. We usually chat about random stuff over lunch. Our seniors - considred as alpha female, pry on our group's personal lives.

"May girlfriend ka?"

"Galit Ka Ba?"

My mom kept silent for the next three days. We weren't seeing much of each other since I was busy and mostly at work. She doesn't join us during dinner - either she's deaf focused on the tv or locked up in her bedroom. She barely glances to my direction. In the morning I still kiss her goodbye as I leave, without a single breath.

Three days of deafening silence. I had to break it sooner or later.

I got home past dinner time but just in time for the teleseryes. She's settled in the sala, with eyes fixed on the tv. I smoothly sat myself beside her looking straight at her with my pleading beady eyes, and asked her in the most carressing tone I've ever mustered...

"Galit ka ba?"

Forgetting that she was my mother, and thinking she was throwing a simple mother's tantrum; I should have just slit my throat. As if a needle dropped on the floor with a reverberating ting that stole her attention from the tv screen. Slowly turning her head, led by her darting eyes, she finally looked at me after three days. At that moment, when our eyes met, deep in my subconscious I knew I was in for trouble.

...to be continued.

"Kami."

May 2, 2013

Basically that's how I told my mom about my sexuality. Brief. Concise.

Awful.

Quality Time

Taking advantage of the holiday, we spent the night together. At past midnight, he picked me up from work and we checked ourselves in for 12 hours of high quality time. 

He always remind me I'm the type who's hard to please (mataas daw standards ko and expectations). But with him, I'm completely in contentment. He's my happiness, in its pure essence - my joy. He gives me pleasure in so many levels (and yes, I mean in sooo many levels, and positions. haha!)

Though we started a little rough, one may even call it booty calls, things turned out unexpectedly. For one, he's never dated a guy before. Second he didn't think he'd engage in a homosexual relationship; he's not even  turned on by just any stud. But each moment we spent together, summates our existence, and forges a bond. Eventually, he grows in to you, and you in him. Multiply that by how much time you spend together, who could blame you for falling for each other. And that we did.

Hihi. 

(Malanding hagikgik lang to lite things up.)

By the way, I've taken a mile step in my life. I told my mom about me and Jjampong - kung paano ko ginawa, at ano kinahinatnan, kwento ko na lang sa next post. We're already checking out of the hotel. hehe...tama na overtime. :P

Formal Disclosures

My idea of "coming out" is not something like holding a presscon. Hindi naman ako showbiz na tao. Among my family and relatives, I'm quite a wall flower (or not!), plus I don't think it wouldn't be much of a surprise kung mag-out man ako. But I think they'd be surprised na may mapapakilala akong guy sa kanila - something unexpected.

That's my idea of coming out, is by introducing my man to the family. My parents are quite conservative, though they are aware to homosexuality, I'm just not sure if they're open to having a gay son. My cousins, well I hear how they speak of gay men, how they make fun of them. I couldn't really care more about that, I mean, I'm not intimidated by them.

I do see myself coming out to the family. I mean to, and I'd like to. I want to introduce to them the man I (shall) choose to be with. I want them to get to know him, be chummy with him, because in that way they'll get to know me too and it will make us closer.

So what would be the indications for coming out? or At least, who'd be my ideal guy to come out with?

Of Closets:: Whom I'd Get Out For?

I'm not truly a closeted guy. One, I tell my dearest friends a lot about me simply because they're entitled to it, or I feel like sharing, or even as a form of equivalent exchange for all their dirty secrets. Two, I don't mind answering people's queries regarding my sexuality and preference; as long as they directly and personally ask me, I'm willing to give them a straight answer. Three, when and if I have a boyfie I'd like to introduce him to my dearest friends, and eventually to my family as well since I have no intention of hiding behind a shadow, nor keeping things out of the light, especially with my  family. Basically, these three are my setting for "coming out".