Shower Dyshporia

As the cold water drizzles over his skin, he stands in the shower with his head lowered staring down at the pooling water at his feet. Words from old conversations echoing in his head. Then it struck him in a raspy whisper, "Unworthy". The feeling of rejection swamping over him, as his self-worth slowly pouring down the drain. He lathers his body with callous hands, gently but firmly running his hands down his shoulders, locking into an embrace. Water or tears, it all keeps flowing down his face.

Stalker Alert!

A first in my almost 9 years of being in PR.
Grabe, ngayon pa talaga nagkaroon.

From Test Papers, to Candidacy, to Marriage -

Cheating, in whatever context one puts it, is merely an exercise of one's weakness - the frailty of the spirit to commit, to persevere, to push through, to thread on that rugged path. True, others should not condemn the deed no matter how grieve.

Where does cheating differs - is when one admits it as to his own fault or doing; not when he attributes to somebody else's or pushed by some unforseen (or shouldn't you say NEGLECTED) circumstances.

These so-called cheaters need not be condemned, but understood - as you claim? True. But the understanding they deserve goes only as far as their cry of remorse. People who bask in its unruly glory,  are beyond forgiveness, understanding, and acceptance. Those who wear cheating as an accessory are blotched in shame. They who flaunt it as a skill, have no right to cry for fairness when put on trial. A cheater, once in full consent, has his tongue ripped off in full volition. Hence, he has no say whatsoever, no point in appeal. In short, he better shut the fuck up and take the beating like a cheating bastard that he is.


P.S.
I write not out of experience, so you might say I'm naive. But I also don't go on living without reason to excuse myself of shame.

What Stirred Such Controversial Text

Prelude: the abominable text.

That Grievous Thing

The only way

to cope with something

deadly serious

is to try to treat it

a little lightly.

— A Wrinkle in Time

Jjampong does not find it amusing when I talk about it with humor. He finds it inappropriate and cruel. Will I ever make kwento about it? 

Out of Service

Currently my life has taken a sudden turn. Best to focus on that for now until it's tweaked back to function.

V - 03.1

14 February 2014

Vday plan was simple -

Better Think, Even without a Click

Twitter, facebook, at kung anu-ano pang pa-headline or status message. Lahat feeling opinonated, isusulat ang kada patutsada ng isip, magmukha lang "intellectual". 

But one should always go back to basics. Know your words, at least definitions. Better kung pati etymology and usage nacheck mo bago ka magbitaw ng salita. Well, di naman lahat English major or college graduate, so plus points na lang kung up to that extent and basics mo. Anyway...

Overrated sa akin ang twitter at status headline ng facebook. Lahat na lang gusto ibroadcast, maski ginagawa sa CR, or pinagpapantasyahan. Then lahat may venue na para makapagbigay opinion. Sige ayos lang sana. Pero kahit walang katuturan or hindi man lang pinag-iisipan, basta maisulat na kahit punahin babanat pa ng "I am entitled to my opinion." Porque sabi sa school dati, "Express your opinion - walang tama or mali sa opinion, kasi opinion mo yun e." See, mismong salitang opinion hindi madefine without using the word itself. May opinion ka nga, pero may ibig sabihin ung "there's no right or wrong" na misinterpreted na karamihan. "There's no right or wrong opinion" sa kadahilanang it is still subject for approval. Pwedeng hindi siya mali kung nasa lugar naman, pero hindi siya tama agad kung taliwas sa mga partikular na pamantayan.

Lahat gusto may maisulat. Pero bago magsulat, namnamin muna ang mga pahayag ng iba. Then kung magrereact, namnamin din ang sariling salita bago iluwa. Huwag tayong basta dura ng dura, makalat kasi. Be the human that you are... mag-isip muna.

---

P.S.

Just flexing some neurons. It's been awhile since I've written anything, uhm, lengthy.
I miss my old blogging self - like back in college.

Jaundice

A yellowish discoloration. Never did it occur to me that it is synonymous to a feeling of bitterness.
A feeling I'm not fond of... a feeling I'm not inured to...

Inspired by Ignorance

I hate to break it to you guys, but this PR guy just inspired (or should I say, "in spite") me to blog. After a long break from blogging (for other reasons, that I'll have to write about some other time), this guy did a great job urging me to write. Truly, by imbibing the very lyrical "just the way you are", truly truuuully, he's just so amazing. AMAZINGLY STUPID (feel the rage in this statement. please).

Of course, I'd like to share this ugh-mazing encounter with you. Come on, let's all revel in his greatness.

Oh, shit! He already blocked me after his reply to me. If only you can check his account (I wouldn't dare you to even pry on his existence, but for the sake of this entry, sige search nyo siya), you'd read there that he's of Spanish descent, and that he's real name is something foreign, and that he has a list of sudo names. Yes, you read that right - SUDO NAMES - which included Peter Parker, Aldof Thiler, even Henry Si. Oh, diba ugh-mazing guy!

Ako naman si Mr. Charitable, I sent him a message which was plain and simple:

"Sudo Name", is spelled PSEUDONYM. You might want to change that.

I did that out of goodwill and service to all humankind. And this is his response to that:

Syempre, like any normal human being, I'd retaliate or at least defend myself from his arrogance (at para rin puksain ang mga tulad nya). I was about to send my lenghty reply when I remembered to check first if he blocked me. As expected, he did. Ganyan naman talaga mga nilalang na tulad nya sa PR.

Seriously, I do not understand where they get such attitude, kung saang kaibuturan (I double checked this term, and amazing may online Filipino dictionary. Something I learned new today! Hoorah!) nila nahalukay ung ugali nila... pati na rin kung saang kweba sila namuhay, ni anino nila di nasilayan.

Sigh... poor soul.

NOT. At dahil nga blocked na ko sa kanya, gusto ko pa rin iparating ang mensahe ko sa kanya, pai na rin sa mga kalahi nya.

Isa kang malaking tanga. Imbes na nagpasalamat ka dahil itinama ka, e nagmalaki ka pa ng katangahan mo.
Basahin mo ulit ung mensahe mo at tingnan mo kung sino arrogante.
Using words too big for your own vocabulary. Sige nga, define GROTESQUE. Define INCONGRUOUS. What is the the etymology of INCONGRUOUS?

Maliban sa pagkakamali mo sa SUDO NAME, ang tanga mo pa.
"i am bloody aware of that mister.that's how i want to use the word." Bobo. Pano ka gagamit ng isang salitang wala namang katuturan ni kabuluhan?
First time kong magmura sa isang user dito.

Congratulations ikaw ang una, sa sobrang katangahan.

Mister, huwag kang magkakamaling sumalubong sa landas ko...
baka mapaluhod at mapasamba ako sa katangahan mo. I really cannot believe such ignorance exist.

Bid January Farewell

One of my favourite months, on it's end. I hope to meet you again, and bond with you soon.

But I can't say the same for RD. I've said goodbye on the eve of the 4th, after he told me things I wasn't prepared to hear. It wasn't about him having a short-time boyfriend over the Christmas break; nor when he kept reminding me that it was I who didn't want to commit.

It's was when he showed me that he didn't want to get screened for HIV, fearing that it'd be the ruin of his budding career; and that he didn't show a slight remorse or concern over my personal worries. At that moment, it was the first time I felt the strong urge of walking out on someone. But I didn't. I paused for a few seconds -  a decent 10 seconds or so, then let out a sigh. I stood up, and calmly said, "I have to go. I've got better things to attend to." But to him I was tampo over him having a bf with a random stranger, making it sound like a joke: "Aysus! Tampo ka!? e kaw nga tong ayaw sa akin diba?".

"No. Di ako nagtatampo over that. I just have to go. I can't stand being here right now.

Goodbye."

 With that, I head straight out of the door, pulling it close behind me.

There's the word, and there's the meaning. Then there's the context.

I'm no expert with the language, I do commit grammatical errors. But I do find something wrong with how he utilized the word "palpable", hence the initiating query. To be objective, here's a brief background on the twat. (Kindly disregard the "online status". I'm not seriously looking for any.)

If you've noticed, I did check a dictionary. So, here's how our short conversation went:

oh and if you do have access to PR you'd get to see his current headline,which read as follows:

am i just lonely or am i just naturally horny? hahaha 

I didn't really understand what just happened.

3 in one plus 1

No, there weren't any ice cream served then. It was about four or five years ago, back then I was in my sexual state...

'nuf F-U-N

Lately, I've been having a lot of fun. These past couple of weeks I've been hanging out more often than I ever had in college. I've gone to a club and do nothing but throw my hands in the air and undulate with the crowd (tho I found it such a boring scene. People don't actually dance on the dance floor, hmm). I've spent a little extra from my limited finances on food and dining, and entertainment. I have let myself to be the lakwatsero that I have denied myself from in the past.

Oo, masaya. Party dito, party doon.

But I think that's enough fun for now. There are matters at hand that are in dire need of attention and concentration. Right now, an unfortunate twist of fate is putting me on a rough patch these coming weeks. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to make through it... *sighs*. I'll just have to play the cards at hand, and be careful enough not to make any haste move. Also, I ought to stay away from any form of distraction - that includes all sorts of party, booze, and even boys (...as if meron?).













SWEET BEJEESUS! A roller-coaster ride... I'm really going to be sad and lonely these following days. Add that to the stress from all the work, the frustration with all the problems, and anxiety brought by the worries. Depression is inevitable. Hopefully I make it through. 
I'm going to be yearning for some form of comfort by the middle of the week. *sigh*

"What will you be going to New York for?"

A pop question, totally sidetracked from discussion, as she firmly taps my shoulder.

"For a vacation?" I blurted out as I was snatched away from my daydream.

"To get married!"

The snide remark caught me off guard. Her as well. People were already snickering. She then saves herself with apologies and "I didn't mean that you -" and "Not that I was implying -". But it was just a little too late.

What I should have said:
Oh! Pardon me madam, but I don't have plans of getting married to the same sex... and I don't believe in such marriages. Sorry to disappoint you.

Born This Way

So I'm watching the latest episode of Glee, "Born This Way"...

Just a thought: I have never thought of being born this way. That's just crap for me. I wasn't born in this world in a tutu with a bow on my head. Every child was born like a blank canvas, or soft lump of clay. I don't remember telling my classmates in kindergarten that I was gay or that I like cross dressing (not that I do) for them to call me "bakla". Yes, I grew up with mean belligerent kids throwing sticks and stones - NOT literally. Their words, despite no truth in it, bruised me nonetheless.

I was not born this way, though people told me otherwise. I was that blank canvas, until people started splattering their imprints on me, just flickering their brushes with strife. A lump of clay, moulded and battered to a sculpt others deemed fitting. I was simply born to this world, not in any special way - simply born.

I might not have been this way have I been born some form of tapestry rather than a canvas, or a rock rather than clay. It's not out of regret that I'm saying these things, but I'm just saying that I never believed in that idea of being born this way. It wouldn't have been easy for other people to tamper with what I've been naturally born with.