Debilitating

I just spent the past 40 minutes in the office thinking about what to write here.
Well, sadly that's a lie. It has been almost an hour now, of me badgering myself, of questions revolving around Jjampong.

Like,
Why are you still thinking about him?
Why are you still talking about him?
Why are you still hung up on him?
Why would you even consider getting back with him?
Why would you think he'd want to get back with you?
Why wouldn't he hate you?
Why are you still punishing yourself?
Why would he even care?
...

It's crappy and cheesy as hell for the answer I have for all of those. Yet, the question still remains:

Why do you still love him?

For every Jjampong-question, I only have one answer.

I love him.

Unfortunately... this means nothing right now. Nada. 

Razbliuto

“for those memories are now
just like these little kittens
I hold in my hands

those can be kissed
and treasured
but not held too tightly.” 
― Sanober Khan, Turquoise Silence

Love.Sick.

Though I don't understand any bit of Thai, this song is a sure feel-good song, especially for the love sick.

Admission

For some unthinkable reason, I miss Jjampong more than ever. But not the yearning type of missing. I just plainly miss him. Everyday for the past weeks, despite the stuff I'm dealing with, he'd slide in to thought. Even when there were days that I don't consciously remember him, there's that feeling that I have drained myself thinking of him. I did dream of him once this month but a very faint and vague one at that, the type you'd forget the moment you wake up.

Unthinkable I say, for we had no contact since...well, the break up, and it's been more than a year ago. He did reply to my birthday greeting last August, a brief "Thanks.". No word since then until someone notified me he's off to another country for a short business trip; to which I couldn't help myself but text him a farewell. I'm completely on a social media block out, as I figured since he blocked me from Facebook.  Not a single trace of him, even through common friends - I guess they're doing us a favor or some sort.

I miss him, I just do. I can't deny that. I'm simply acknowledging that.

Besides that... there's one thing that's worth to be acknowledged. Surprising as it seems, as it caught me off-guard. I blurted it out to myself, not too loud for anyone to hear...

"Given another chance, I'd fight for your love. No letting go this time...never."

How to Break Up?

Well, you cannot definitely ask us that.

Because we simply don't know how. *shrugs shoulders*

We actually tried for a couple of times as of this writing, I think thrice already. But we simply couldn't go through with it. That becomes a problem if both of you want the same thing - to be together. 

Streaming 2013-12-30 :: I wish you'd just hold me tight

Its been weeks of being in this state - of being clingy. a side of me I'm still getting to know, and so far I'm not fond of it.

 Its sickening, my body is rejecting it. But no matter how I induce it, I can't simply spit it out.

I can't shake it off... And I've been trying my best to be in control of it, but my strength seem to falter. I'm losing my composure...

OA lang ba ako... ? Ganito ba talaga?  I have never been this far in a relationship... And I'm scared that I might do something wrong that would just wreck everything.

It's been easy to engage in a relationship...but I'm not as equipped as I thought I was for a commitment.

I'm scared... That I might have a wrong grasp of things, of Truth not being by  my side.

Clingy Diaries: His Words Sealed the Box of Sanity

Le boyfie always thinks he's not good with words, but he underestimates himself.

Clingy Diaries: His Words Seared Through the Box of Sanity

With an idle mind, a lonesome mood, a clingy person gets irrational and overly sensitive to his surroundings.

All I Want For Christmas 2013

I forgot to come up with my annual wishlist for this year :( My wishlists are very particular and detailed. I suggest that you don't refer to it kung ako ang nabunot mong regaluhan. (marami na nagreklamo sa wishlist ko, pagod na ko ipaliwanag ang side ko. haha).

Today, I was out for lunch and shopping with my (non-biological) sister and Jjampong. She was back in the country only for a week, and this was a good opportunity for the two dearest persons in my life to spend some time together. Sila lang pala nagshopping, ako naglilista lang sa isip ko ng wishlist. Timely naman na pagcheck ko, e tagged ako ni Aris.

So here goes

Clingy Diaries: Surprise Visit

It was the 18th, I asked him to meet me, but he wasn't feeling well and decided to go home. So I decided to go to him instead. I took a cab and went to him. On the way I called him, to let him know that I'm on my way to his place. Aba, ang sagot lang nya, "Matutulog na ko."

Grabe, natameme ako dun. And he was really serious of just going to sleep despite me being on the way. Di ko napigilan, I had to trickle some guilt powers sa pananalita ko 

Clingy Diaries: Semi-walkout

The past days, hindi talaga ako mapakali. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop.", which most often rules in me. We haven't seen each other for days, so we've set Monday, 17th to meet. But he wasn't feeling better, next day na lang daw which was fine with me. The following day, he was about to cancel on me. Di lang ako pumayag, so we met - well, may kailangan din kasi siya kunin sa bahay namin.  

Pero the whole time na magkasama kami, parang ang distant nya kahit magkatabi kami sa sasakyan; he wasn't talking to me, siguro preoccupied. The whole drive was quiet and when he dropped me off, wala man lang siyang kiss or hawak sa kamay. I couldn't bare looking at him, bumababa na lang ako ng kotse at nagmadali lumayo. That night, I was hurting. 

Hm, maselan pala ako.

Hello Clingy Me

That's all I could call myself.