House Chore Epiphany

He looks at the mess that is his house; his worn clothes scattered all over the place, as well as papers and documents on top of every surface. He takes a long look at his mess, and starts picking up the laundry a piece at a time. At that moment, it struck him. All this time, he's been yearning for release from his shackled past, and that all he's been doing were all for naught. Every step he took, every deed done, were all but a glimpse of escape, and not much of the freedom that he's thirsting for.

Once Upon a Dream

I dreamed of you on a Thursday, one May dawn. I was on duty, on a graveyard shift.

Relapse

그것은 사랑이나 증오 가 있는지 여부를 확인할 수없는 과거 는 항상 당신을 다시 찾습니다.

The unresolved past always finds you again, whether it is love or hatred.

Uma Pitada de Sol e um Vislumbre de Esperança

During my Marinduque getaway, a lot has been settled in my mind after spending a whole day doing nothing. Taking a few laps in the open waters, sipping freshly concocted mojitos, and sitting by the shore....aaaah, a clean break from all my worries.

"You have to allow a certain amount of time in which you are doing nothing in order to have things occur to you, to let your mind think" - Mortimer Adler

Love.Sick.

Though I don't understand any bit of Thai, this song is a sure feel-good song, especially for the love sick.

Tell me something I can hold on to forever and never let go.

Forever and ever...

No letting go...walang bibitaw...

Those were his words... back when he and I, were a we, an us.

But since our parting, he only left me with these words - words I couldn't deny holding on to for the dear life (or love) out of me:

Whenever a guy professes his love for me, it always set off something like an internal clock, a ticking timer, a countdown to an end. For reasons I never understood, but that's how it has always been even with him. His only advantage was, I made myself believe in our fairy tale affair, with his declarations of everlasting love - of a Forever. I held on to his words for as much as I could... until today.

It has been more than a year, and I would like to hear from him again - his words that I shall forever honour and hold on to... only this time, I want to hear it differently, to hear something more...

: Tell me something I can hold on to forever and never let go.

:: Let go. 

If You Forget Me

I want you to know 

one thing. 

You know how this is: 

if I look 

at the crystal moon, at the red branch 

of the slow autumn at my window, 

if I touch 

near the fire 

the impalpable ash 

or the wrinkled body of the log, 

everything carries me to you, 

as if everything that exists, 

aromas, light, metals, 

were little boats 

that sail 

toward those isles of yours that wait for me. 

Well, now, 

if little by little you stop loving me 

I shall stop loving you little by little. 

If suddenly 

you forget me 

do not look for me, 

for I shall already have forgotten you. 

If you think it long and mad, 

the wind of banners 

that passes through my life, 

and you decide 

to leave me at the shore 

of the heart where I have roots, 

remember 

that on that day, 

at that hour, 

I shall lift my arms 

and my roots will set off 

to seek another land. 

But 

if each day, 

each hour, 

you feel that you are destined for me 

with implacable sweetness, 

if each day a flower 

climbs up to your lips to seek me, 

ah my love, ah my own, 

in me all that fire is repeated, 

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, 

my love feeds on your love, beloved, 

and as long as you live it will be in your arms 

without leaving mine.

by Pablo Neruda

That Grievous Thing

The only way

to cope with something

deadly serious

is to try to treat it

a little lightly.

— A Wrinkle in Time

Jjampong does not find it amusing when I talk about it with humor. He finds it inappropriate and cruel. Will I ever make kwento about it? 

Lost in Translation

"Do you love me?"

Why are you asking me this?

"I just need to know. Do you love me?"

What do you need to know?

"I just want to ask, and I just want to hear you say it."

Are you seriously asking me, or are you making a statement?

I wouldn't dare ask you that, or anyone for that matter. Why are you asking me this? 

You're basically telling me "I don't feel loved" with that question.

Have I not make you feel my love?

How could I love someone who questions my love for him?
From my end, I've given more than a could muster... yet it never suffice.
So tell me now, how could I love you, when it seems that I don't know how to love at all?

Out of Service

Currently my life has taken a sudden turn. Best to focus on that for now until it's tweaked back to function.

V - 03.1

14 February 2014

Vday plan was simple -

A Stranger in a Strange Place

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” 

Streaming 2013-12-30 :: I wish you'd just hold me tight

Its been weeks of being in this state - of being clingy. a side of me I'm still getting to know, and so far I'm not fond of it.

 Its sickening, my body is rejecting it. But no matter how I induce it, I can't simply spit it out.

I can't shake it off... And I've been trying my best to be in control of it, but my strength seem to falter. I'm losing my composure...

OA lang ba ako... ? Ganito ba talaga?  I have never been this far in a relationship... And I'm scared that I might do something wrong that would just wreck everything.

It's been easy to engage in a relationship...but I'm not as equipped as I thought I was for a commitment.

I'm scared... That I might have a wrong grasp of things, of Truth not being by  my side.

"Nasaan si Girlfriend?"

Initally a comment to Mamon's entry, but it turned out good enough for an entry.

Ang isang tanong ay maaaring makakuha ng iba't ibang kasagutan. Depende sa pakay ng nagtatanong o sa impresyong mayroon sila sa likod ng pagtatanong.

"Bakit wala kang girlfriend?"

1. may nahuhumaling sa yo - kesyo dalaginding, muher, cougar, or sugar puffy, sila'y sadyang nang-uusisa sa pag-asang magkaisang palad kayo. Sa tono mahuhuli, "Bakit wala kang girlfrieeeend?" - malumanay at banayad, minsan pahaba, ang pagkakabigkas sa huling pantig ng "girlfriend".
2. marahil ikaw ay SSB (singleton since birth, o sadyang solo sa buhay), ni kakambal sa uma wala - "Bakit wala ka pa ring girlfriend?" ang mas akmang tanong (sadyang ayaw nila ipamukha sayo ang kanilang pagkainip). Kadalasang setting: Family Gathering, Pistang Bayan, High school reunion, sa mga kasalan, binyagan, at birthday party ng inaanak. 
3. kung nagkaroon na ng girlfriend subalit matagal nang wala - katulad sa #2 ang akmang pangungusap, "Bakit wala ka pa ring girlfriend?". Kadalasan mga matagal nang kaibigan o malalapit na tao na may alam ng Dating history mo ang nagtatanong nito. 
4. mga Sgt. Snoops - ang kanilang pagtatanong e may bahid na ng pangungutya. "Bakit wala ka ngang girlfriend?" kung matalas ang pandinig mo. May hinala sa maaaring kasagutan (nothing specific, really), subalit may gusto silang tugon na marinig; tipong mapahiyaw sila ng "Tumpak!"...or in most cases, "Confeeeermed!" sabay kampay sa kumare.
5. meron ding kombinasyon ng #1 at #4, fish combo meal ba ga - "Bakit hindi na lang ako ang girlfriend?", may halong fishing for answers for personal gain. Kampay ulit sa kumare sabay kagat labi.

Oh, and I've been asked before with the same question when i reached my early 20's (21 to 24) - by naive girl friends, clueless boy friends, my hopeful parents, and even some of my relatives during fiestas. Quick answer to family and relatives : "Studies and career muna." To friends and potentials: "Just haven't found the right one." -not in verbatim, but same point. My answeres then were not in evasion, but of honesty. Besides, those were the years that I focused more on myself. Call it YOLO, LOVEYOURSELF, or METIME; but these were the years I rediscovered myself and put first things that matters most.

And it ain't girlfriends nor boylets.

Without a Heart Attack

How I wish I can tell you how much we love each other...

how much joy he's been giving me, and how he's been helping me.

I'm excited to tell you how he introduced me to his mother and brother, how our dinner turned out, and how they thought na I was matakaw.

I would like you to meet him too, and maybe enjoy talking about cars or the stock market.

How I wsih I can tell you, how much I love him....

how much he means to me,

Dad.

How I wish I can tell you these things...  without giving you a heart attack. -_-

More of Life

and less writing.

Well...currently, my life is rolling. I'm busy keeping up with work, balanced with a lot of lovin'.

This year, I realized that it's time to live life. You only get to live once, might as well make it meanignful and worth it. Definitely a change of perspectives took place, and now, I'm living each moment.

I'm putting on hold my "coming out" kwento. It's still brewing, and it didn't turn out as I imagined. There's a hint.

Sa ngayon, good vibes muna tayo.

The Future is Bleak

sigh...

Of career, romance and life itself.

Tomorrow bears no sun, but of dark hovering clouds

No light peeks through, as the nimbus is thick of gloom

I am in thirst of life, love and hope

Not a drizzle, nor even a drop, 

The Future is bleak

What more can sustain me, if not nourish me?

How long can I last, if this can't be surpassed?

Tomorrow bears no sun, but of darkness and uncertainty

The Future is bleak, and I am but weak.

Formal Disclosures

My idea of "coming out" is not something like holding a presscon. Hindi naman ako showbiz na tao. Among my family and relatives, I'm quite a wall flower (or not!), plus I don't think it wouldn't be much of a surprise kung mag-out man ako. But I think they'd be surprised na may mapapakilala akong guy sa kanila - something unexpected.

That's my idea of coming out, is by introducing my man to the family. My parents are quite conservative, though they are aware to homosexuality, I'm just not sure if they're open to having a gay son. My cousins, well I hear how they speak of gay men, how they make fun of them. I couldn't really care more about that, I mean, I'm not intimidated by them.

I do see myself coming out to the family. I mean to, and I'd like to. I want to introduce to them the man I (shall) choose to be with. I want them to get to know him, be chummy with him, because in that way they'll get to know me too and it will make us closer.

So what would be the indications for coming out? or At least, who'd be my ideal guy to come out with?

Life, in Transit

A few stops here and there may actually be good. We get to take a pause to check where we're heading, how far we've gone, and the goods that we carry if we're still good to go.

[Queued post: This entry is inspired by Caloy's Coffee Prophecy on Jan 26th. ]



PS
Going through a rough patch.
Hopefully I pull myself through instead of breaking down.

Of Gusts and Tides

Fck.

Wala pang isang buwan mula nang nangumpisal ako, mukhang nababali ko na ang aking panata. Biglang nag-iba ang ihip ng hangin nitong nakaraang linggo, malakas ang hampas pabaling sa kabilang direksyon.