20 May 2016

Uma Pitada de Sol e um Vislumbre de Esperança

During my Marinduque getaway, a lot has been settled in my mind after spending a whole day doing nothing. Taking a few laps in the open waters, sipping freshly concocted mojitos, and sitting by the shore....aaaah, a clean break from all my worries.

"You have to allow a certain amount of time in which you are doing nothing in order to have things occur to you, to let your mind think" - Mortimer Adler

  • It's fucking lonely.
There's this perpetual state of sadness that I can never recuperate from. Even when I was a child, with my earliest childhood memories as young as 3 years old, I remember I always have this sense of loneliness despite my projected jolly persona. When I'm all alone, I swim in my sea of sadness, struggling to stay afloat not letting myself drown. It never crossed my mind that I would come across a guy like the ex in the blue planet, truly he was a gem indeedFor some time, moments with him made my swim less of a struggle.
  • The ex beau and how ugly the relationship came to an end. 
How did I end up losing such a gem? Well, when life takes a dump on you and you are consumed by the crap you're going through, any form of escape from that reality is a breathe of fresh air. Yes, chatting randomly with strangers was a like a brief breather for me. I was having a glimpse of the old me, my old self from 7 years ago, when I was starting to explore my sexuality, way back before I considered dating anyone. Oh, don't get me wrong; I didn't cheat on my ex beau by hooking up or sleeping around with other men. No, I've long discovered that, that I'm not easily aroused by just any guy, nor tempted to sleep with any other than him. I simply chatted with other men. It's a break of his trust on me. My melancholia consumed me, that I had to take any form of comfort I seem fit for my need. It was too consuming, that I feared it was also consuming him. It was going to drain on his love, eventually on our love. So I felt I had to divert some of those yang, to which I directed to random strangers.
I've admitted from the beginning my wrongdoing, what I have failed to do as a partner. Over and over in my head, I've reminded myself of my faults. But, as dear friends have told me, "Hindi lang ikaw ang nagkulang. You're not entirely and solely at fault". Sure, I've wronged him, I've hurt him. But he has hurt me as well more than a few occasions, on particular milestones of our relationship. Back in those days, I kept it all to myself, understanding to the best of my capacity that he was only doing his best. I didn't told anyone about it then. But it's been a long while since we've parted ways, now I've told my most trusted friends, and surprisingly merely by sharing it has shed some different light. When friends ask how we broke up, I tell them bluntly, "I cheated", and I've focused every detail on how I did it. He could not love an adulterer as I take it. We parted ways not in a decent manner. It can't be denied, that broke my heart. He found a new love; I let them be. I writhe in pain; no comfort from friends for I couldn't confide in them, not yet at least. Then he goes public of his new love in just a few week's time. I defended him first, to my friends, especially those who've been so fond of him. Things got sour. "I don't want to see you or talk  to you"  were the last I got from him. It crushed me. For each day of the past year I've been holding on to the bits and pieces, of what's left of my heart in hopes of patching it up. 

  •  Time ought to heal all wounds
Well, it's been more than a year now, and I ought to have "moved on" as they say. Actually, some friends are pushing for me to get out of my pool of misery and wallow, and start prancing around the field and try dating again. How I wish it's that easy. Err, technically it is easy breezy. But the thing is I can't, not because the lack of grazing guys, but due to the fact of a bruised heart. It has not mended fully. I'm not the Wolverine-type when it comes to emotional trauma - I can't auto regenerate and heal at an amazing rate. I've been seeing other people, dating-not-dating someone; there's a lot of sheep in the flock, and somehow I'm enjoying this meeting and getting-to-know phase with as much people I can see but no haste when it comes to intimacy.
Maybe time alone is not enough to heal wounds? Even if I wanted to be intimate with a new guy, the kisses and every inch of caress, still all belong to him. He still lingers in my lips, in my skin, that whoever I'm with, when I close my eyes it's him I see. Perhaps the wounds have healed, but the scars left... that would require another set of recuperation, for a complete remission.  I'm not hurting anymore, there's no denial, it's not as bitter as ampalaya anymore (*snickers*). 

  • Not seeing each other may actually be better.
  "I don't want to see you or talk  to you" , it's like carved in my bones, like a binding spell. We've never bumped onto each other in public places. At first I limited myself when going out in the metro, unconsciously avoiding places with a high likelihood of seeing you around. But gradually I got over that, I could even walk around your neighborhood (except that street across your bedroom window, not htat I have intentions of passing by). I've always imagined how it would be like, us meeting randomly in public - the reaction on each other's faces, or the lack on yours; words exchanged, if you would even respond to a hello; or the dead cold silence and defeat I'd suffer when you do ignore my presence. I couldn't imagined how things would turn out if ever we do see face to face spontaneously, or perhaps I do.
It's probably a good thing that we haven't seen each other for more than a year now. Considering the hurt we've both incurred, and the scars I'm still mending, it'd wouldn't be much of a shock if I fling myself to you and throw my arms around you, and hold you in an embraced harder than you ever had. Yes. If you're going to ask me if after all that had happened would I still take him back, only if he asks, then I would say "Yes". Even if he doesn't ask, Yes, I would like to give it another chance, us another chance.
Perhaps that's the sign I've been asking from the Universe - we're not seeing each other, so how could either of us ask for another chance? Maybe on his end he's totally over us, and since the Universe is not conspiring for us, that is counted as 2 votes against mine. There... so, me not pushing for us to see each other would be a saving grace, a countermeasure from desperation. So yeah, I'll just be out and about my way until that day the Universe conspire for us once again, then I'd take it with a huge leap of faith and grab on to you for dear life. And when that happens, sorry ka na lang, I'm never letting go.

 This is not a "holding on" or "hung up" entry. This is me, after all things considered between you and me, finally moving forward and on until we cross paths again, if ever the time comes.


SilverwingX said...

Sometimes, a "me" time is exactly what we need to realize that it's more important to move forward than to move on.

Because we never "really" move on.

Simon said...

:) I sort of feel like I am on the path to where you are feeling soon. :(

Victor Saudad said...

@Silverwing, it's not that we cannot move "on"... but I'd rather move forward with bits of the past, of the goodness in the past, and treasure it.

@Simon...I'm sorry, I did not quite get what you're saying....???