Well I'll be Dammed

There have been a lot of times that I feel like blogging. Sudden moments when the thoughts are reeling, the emotions blazing, and the words flowing... but those moments are of the most inconvenient circumstances. Either I'm in the bath, bus, or bed.

As the words relentlessly flow, it fills me up so fast that I couldn't contain them and I go babbling out to myself, that I ahave been having more wordy conversations with myself than with anybody as of late.

It's not that I don't have anyone to talk to, it's just that I don't have much time to spare to sit and have coffee with a friend. A lot has been happening recently, and I'm catching up on missed work, and at the same time figuring out the next move in my career.

Being single at a time like this, well I guess has been a blessing in disguise.  I get more time for myself, and my family. I get to focus more on things to be done. I get to be a bit selfish, which I don't know what good it serves me. Being single, I have gone out more, and managed my priorities better.

I will admit though, that it still does get lonely and gloomy at times, especially when certain numbers on the calender pass by. The 15th of the month particularly of March and December, 18th of August, 13th of february, 5th of September, most of July.... those are only a few of the dates.

As much as I'd like to, but I have refrain from going out as much as I could, especially during the first 3 months. I get some sort of anxiety episodes when I go to places we frequent in the pass, or shared a memorable moment, or had romantic dates at. Not that it was intentional, but I was able to keep away from E.Rod., Morato, Timog, Maginhawa, Rob Magnolia, Trinoma, Starbucks, for quite a long while. But as of late, I've conquered those places once again but one.

Then I somehow got wind of his latest ride. Yes, everytime I see a car that resembles his, I get anxious. Being a commuter doesn't  make it easy. If he happens to drive pass me and sees me, would he lower down his windows? If it's his car parked outside a restaurant, should I just try another place? If on a red light and I happen to be crossing right infront of him, would he bother to honk the horn? Stupid questions do pop in my head quite often than tolerated - well it couldn't be helped.

The thought of seeing him unexpectedly, I still couldn't  imagine how I would react or manage the situation should we cross paths... Will I say hi, or should I wait for him to go first? Would I even let us cross paths? If there's a chance for me to run the other way, would I? If we do bump into each other would we even take time to talk, a chat perhaps, or would either of us invite to sit it out over coffee?

There's so much left unsaid - of tomorrow's dream left yesterday, of the past's hurt and wrongdoings left unforgiven, of promises made and broken, of hopes for better endings bleak and distant.

Words, they keep running through my head, tirelessly. What's sad about it is that they can't  get to the places they long to be, their destination or their final pit stop. My voice and writing betray me, they won't settle for a detour or an alternative route, either in recording or on paper.