Pendere - Pensare - Pensif

Drafted 27 June 2016

As much as I try to conquer my fears of swimming in the open waters, I'm engulfed not by salt water, but by a sea of emotions, anxiety, fear and doubt. It's been more than 2 years now, and I'm still struggling to stay afloat. 

Even when you and I were together, it has been drowning me. I've been crying out for help, but fearing at the same time that by reaching out to you would only mean pulling you in to my own whirlpool, drowning you with me. This is the reason why, a couple of occasions, I've offered you your safe way out: first was at the time of breaking the news to you, second was that Independence day. You rejected my offer the first time, and you pleaded for me to be selfish, to keep you all for me. And that I did. But I've become so full of myself, I've turned in to a black hole sucking in all your light. Hence I offered to set you free on Independence day.  You obliged, indulging my fancy. We had a decent break up. Yet we spent the next day together, "as friends", but it was so agonizing seeing you suffering silently, I just wanted to hold you tight and keep you safe.

There had to be consequences, for every action there is a relative and definite reaction - at least that's how the laws of physics mandates it. I've been reckless, stubborn, stupid and all because of these I've lead us more to our demise.

I'm sorry Jjampong, for hurting you over and over. I think we've finally freed each other.

Unfortunately for me though, I'm still stuck somewhere between "in love" and "letting go".