Ex Files

Lately I've been trying to come up with an entry about my last relationship, which was about a year and a half ago. But I always end up in a dead end early on with just two lines. Di ko magawang magkwento about M.

Di naman sa sensitive issue kuno, but I really don't have issues telling stories from the past. Oddly enough, I don't understand myself for not being able to relay a story about M. I did mention him in a previous entry(see number 5). But I can't seem to disclose any story about him.

Hmmm... As of now the entries I've started about him are saved as drafts. The day may come that I'll be posting them one at a time.

Re: Genetics in "Born This Way"

This is a reply to PapaJay's comment on my previous post, "Born This Way". It was too long for a comment and that I find it fit for an entry...
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Diabetes, Tetralogy of Fallot, Alzheimers, Trisomy 21, Depression... 

Everything is affected by genetics. Genetics is generally a predisposing factor for everything, and I do understand that. But these genes may be silent to begin with and would require a certain exposure or stimulation to be activated. Then there's also mutations. And regulatory genes, and even counter regulatory ones.

Have I been born with a cleft palate, yes, I would embrace being "Born this way". Depression is affected by serotonin levels, which may be genetically impaired, but you can't really say "Life gave birth to Death, to sorrow, and to me" and that "I'm born this way, a depressive spawn of cold and shadow", could you? 

Genes do dictate our biological makeup, and may set a template for an archetype. But I don't see myself to be "Born this way", or any other way. I just don't grasp this idea of being born a certain "way". I'm simply born - to live, to love, to learn, to explore. Living would be beyond confinement. Perhaps that's the thing with being "Born this way", it's a 3 letter pyramid that has no doors nor windows. That I cannot live with.

Born This Way

So I'm watching the latest episode of Glee, "Born This Way"...

Just a thought: I have never thought of being born this way. That's just crap for me. I wasn't born in this world in a tutu with a bow on my head. Every child was born like a blank canvas, or soft lump of clay. I don't remember telling my classmates in kindergarten that I was gay or that I like cross dressing (not that I do) for them to call me "bakla". Yes, I grew up with mean belligerent kids throwing sticks and stones - NOT literally. Their words, despite no truth in it, bruised me nonetheless.

I was not born this way, though people told me otherwise. I was that blank canvas, until people started splattering their imprints on me, just flickering their brushes with strife. A lump of clay, moulded and battered to a sculpt others deemed fitting. I was simply born to this world, not in any special way - simply born.

I might not have been this way have I been born some form of tapestry rather than a canvas, or a rock rather than clay. It's not out of regret that I'm saying these things, but I'm just saying that I never believed in that idea of being born this way. It wouldn't have been easy for other people to tamper with what I've been naturally born with.

Stream 2011-04-25

this year
not big on holidays
not really different from last year though
same old same old
except for missing family

seeing relatives
don't feel like mingling
i'd rather sleep
or babysit
at least kids don't have adult issues
just potty and booboos

parenting
no one said it was easy
but i never imagined it to be so hard
difficult
gruesome
scary
completely clueless
yet it inspires you
to be the best you can be
and raise a good person

family
you've got to love 'em
i miss mine.

You know what they say about feces in dreams...

I had a dream the other night. I was taking a dump. A huuuge, long dump. It was so real that I woke up just to check if I actually did crap in my pyjamas. Clean pjs. Whew~! 


And I went back to sleep with a hopeful grin on my face.
$_$ *kaching*!

I was once told that when you dream of feces, it symbolizes money. Never did it crossed my mind to validate this idea through research until now. As it turns out, feces may actually represent:

• a negative aspect that one dislikes or resents, especially if it is your own feces. An expulsion of filth and unwanted dirt.
• It may also pertain to someone who is anal retentive.  
• Or to see it from a medical standpoint, the body might simply telling you that there's a problem in the colon.

After doing my quick search, I think I'd settle with the medical perspective (the morning after I did take a huge dump). But it's nice to think of it as a lucky omen for wealth.

*kachingkaching*! 

Of Closets::Want to know someone better?

Get in their closet.

I've always been a snoop, which I find to be a skill of mine.

Of Kisses:: The Unforgettable

I've kissed an awful lot of guys, I think. And I've only been in a relationship with 3. Of all the kissing that I've experienced there are only five that I will never forget:

1. The very first time someone tried to kiss me. Tried, as in forcefully kiss me. I was 19 that time and I believed in the magic of the first kiss (haha! I'm so gay like that). So this guy whom I started dating obviously had a lot of experiences under his belt (figuratively and literally). He's the 2nd guy I've dated but he was the first to attempt to kiss me. He pressed his lips (and tongue) to my face. Before his lips could ever touched mine I bit my lips shut, as in tightly shut. He tried burrowing his tongue to my tightly sealed mouth, but my jaw was locked, and I was just staring how ridiculous he looked with his eyes shut.
2. My real first kiss - wasn't really magical. The lipvirginity was lost in a what was supposed to be a one-night stand. The guy was cute, being mestizo and nice set of puckers. I gave in to his teasing. It wasn't magical, but it was definitely sweet. I blushed after our lips made their introductions.That was my first authentic kiss. I blushed even more when he told me it was great; he even questioned my virginity. We kissed again, slow, sweet, and gentle. Then he introduced another - his tongue. I didn't know what to do, but he let his tongue linger and play with my lips.There wasn't any force like the one I experienced from before. His tongue play was definitely inviting, and so I reciprocated. My first french kiss.
3. The taste of cigarettes. I'm not a smoker and I'm asthmatic. I resent second-hand smoke. I like kissing, a lot by the age of 21. Then I met an older guy, who smoke a lot. As in a lot. What's interesting about this guy was that he's a great kisser. Until now, I get turned on just by reminiscing his kisses... he still has that effect on me. I still remember how his mouth taste, with all those cigarettes he's puffed. And I can never forget all those crazy make out... sigh. He's one hot kisser, and he could get me do stuff I'd normally won't do just with those kisses. Like what those cigarettes are to him, his kisses are to me - addictive.
4. Public makeouts. Like I've said in number 3, he's one hot kisser that he could make me do stuff I don't usually do. We've made out in a moving bus, where a passenger caught us and was in disbelief seeing a young guy like me and a guy in his late 30's making out like teenagers in broad daylight (tanghaling tapat!). We've also made out in a movie house, while watching Benjamin Button aged retrospectively. I wasn't really watching to begin with for I was really sleepy (imagine coming from a 16hour duty then taking an exam the next day then going out with boyfie on an all day date). His kisses were the only thing keeping me up. We sort of made out 3/5 of the movie, despite the theatre being full.Then the last public makeout was in a bookstore. Gaaaaad...it was really steamy, he got me so hard that I can't keep my hands off of him. He'd pull me close by my pants,but I'll be pushing him off but our lips were just sealed tight. We were like under a spell and that resistance was futile.He had me under his kisses.
5. making out with my then boyfie. He was half-Japanese so he has distinct Japanese features. In short, he's cute. One time we were kissing, I pulled back a bit and opened my eyes to have a look at him. His eyes were still shut. What caught me by surprise was his expecting  puckered lips. I suddenly let out a snicker which startled him and I believe kind of embarrassed him. He didn't look awful or anything hilarious. I just found it cute and sweet... he looked like a kid sipping from a plastic straw. I explained to him how cute he looked to me, but he still has this surprised and embarrassed look which I also find charming... I felt so guilty for ruining his kisses that I cupped his face with both hands and just stared at him smiling...guilty smiles. He just gave me the "ugh,okaay.." look.  I still think he's adorable, despite how we ended things.

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P.S.

This post was inspired by Siratalaga from his Psychic Edema.

"Good morning Love"

I woke up this morning, without opening my eyes, and gave you a tight hug on your side. Apparently you've been sitting beside me reading a book, you ran your ringers through my hair in response to my hug. I let out a deep sigh, which sounded more like a grunt, and you put down your book and brushed my cheeks with your now free hand.


Good sleep?


Yeah... how long have you been up?


Almost an hour now.


Please come back to sleep with me.


You lay down beside me and snuggled closer to me, as I wrap myself in your embrace. My nose brushing your defined neck, I took a deep breath, taking in all of your scent with one inspiration...

Then I open my eyes.

...

Time to change this pillowcase.

Pruritus

Yesterday, I was experiencing some sort of blunt itch on my palms and tips of my fingers. At first I scratched it, then put my hand in my pocket (isa itong pamahiin sa paniniwalang pera ang katumbas ng pangangati ng palad at dapat mo itong ibulsa. Oo, mapamahiin akong tao). But it came to the point that I'm started to get irritated about it, because no matter how much I scratched it wasn't getting any relief.

Call it coincidence, I  received a text message which goes like this:

Trivia: "Malalaman mong gumagaling na ang sugat pag kumakati na ito. 

Kaya kung heartbroken ka, malalaman mong gumagaling ka na 

pag kumakati ka na"

I just had this straight face after reading it and looked around. "So, who would like to scratch this itch of mine?" Ang halay. But I didn't said it out loud, just in my thoughts. Pft... I'm not really feeling the that kind of itch anyway. Hindi ako ganoon mangati. Kung mangati ako, hindi kamot gusto ko... kundi mariing haplos, para walang sugat.

too much going on in my head

I've been meaning to write down stuff but I just find myself too tired to even start. Siguro mga 5 entries na sana nailathala ko the past days sa dami ng tumatakbo sa isip ko. Andyan ang career, ang mga limitasyon ko at sakripisyo, ang pagkauhaw sa buhay at pangungulila sa pag-ibig.

Okaaay, the last line might be too much and pretty exaggerated. But basically I am yearning for life. I want to travel, see places, meet people, go out on dates. I want to experience life as a 23 year old should. But I can't. One is financial reasons, one does need moolah to get to places and spend on leisure. Two, it is distracting me from my chosen career path, wherein I can't really afford a segue or detour.

Right now I can't concentrate on the things I need to focus on with all these yearnings dividing my attention. Ugh... it's quite frustrating. Perhaps I should have pushed with my initial plan of a two-year break.

(thoughts of regret? uh oh... I don't do well with regrets. I hate regretting stuff, because I rarely do.)


Hmmm.. adding regret to my list of worries now? *Sheesh*

Grateful for being busy.

...would appreciate more if I can now enjoy my summer break. please!

I've got stuff going on that keeps me preoccupied from gayness. In a way it's a good thing, especially since I'm being super single.


Oh! except for this yummy guy this afternoon in the coffee shop who kept spreading his legs, doing a spread eagle sort of thing right across my table. He seems straight enough, and yummy as an ice cream in the summer heat. Buti na lang busy ako sa readings ko that I managed not to stare at his exposed thighs (and a little effort and I swear I would have seen this eagle's treasured nest).

Oh and another thing, learned a term from my (girl)friend today. The word for today is:

UNDERSTANDING

I don't really know its etymology, but it refers to the ideal attributes of a guy according to my (girl)friend's gay friend. "Ang tipo kong lalaki ay yung understanding." and by that he meant the size of his dick. I think the proper pronunciation would be : UN-der//STAAAN-ding. Yeah, a significant pause right after the second syllable, and a prolonged third syllable (better with a wink at the end of the word).

With that said, apparently, the eagle seem understanding enough.