Lose It All

What started out to be a random rant about not being able to move on, turned into a summation of the year that passed. It's quite early for a year-ender, but this post basically sums up 2017 for me. Just had to look for a soundtrack other than Ellie Goulding's Still Falling for You.

Nom de Guerre

Born on 20th of October 2009, a pseudonym I penned for myself. 

Victor : from Latin victor, from victus, past participle of vincere, to conquer

Saudade : from Portuguese saudade, from soidade/soydade, an intimate feeling and mood caused by the longing for something absent that is being missed

He's born to conquer my feelings of longing for erst-while lovers.

Yet, it feels he's not living up to his name.

Shower Dyshporia

As the cold water drizzles over his skin, he stands in the shower with his head lowered staring down at the pooling water at his feet. Words from old conversations echoing in his head. Then it struck him in a raspy whisper, "Unworthy". The feeling of rejection swamping over him, as his self-worth slowly pouring down the drain. He lathers his body with callous hands, gently but firmly running his hands down his shoulders, locking into an embrace. Water or tears, it all keeps flowing down his face.

Questioning Heart

I've been questioning myself, constantly,
Do I even know how to love?

With what we went through, I keep questioning myself,
Did I even love you?

Because I've been hearing from others, in failed relationships there are lessons learned...
And I keep on reflecting on ours...

I thought that I did not know how to love, but perhaps I did not make you feel loved at all.
So that question lingers.. haunts me...

Do I not love you at all?
When all I wanted was only the best for you, even knowing I'm not that one for you.

Isn't it love, when all you have in heart and mind, and even in prayers,
are the best for that one person, despite being out of their mind, out of their sight, and out of their lives?

House Chore Epiphany

He looks at the mess that is his house; his worn clothes scattered all over the place, as well as papers and documents on top of every surface. He takes a long look at his mess, and starts picking up the laundry a piece at a time. At that moment, it struck him. All this time, he's been yearning for release from his shackled past, and that all he's been doing were all for naught. Every step he took, every deed done, were all but a glimpse of escape, and not much of the freedom that he's thirsting for.

Once Upon a Dream

I dreamed of you on a Thursday, one May dawn. I was on duty, on a graveyard shift.

走一趟永远不会被人遗忘

I went to Baguio over the weekend and boy, it was like a time warp.

Well. At least I got to be back in Baguio, this time with family. It was just a mere overnight trip for me since I have work today. Oh, and I must commend the cutie Uber driver, Bryan, who picked me up last night from Cubao terminal. I really had a pleasant ride chatting with him, although he's straight. Also for the Uber driver I got this morning, Uber Glenn, we chatted the whole trip to work., and as it turn out he's a Baguio person, so he had a lot of insights about Baguio. He's straight too... but the way he looks straight to my eyes makes me want to think otherwise. :P

Anyway...

I'd like to take on Baguio once again. As suggested by Uber Glenn, I should try backpacking Banawe - Sagada - Baguio, then if I still can, finish the leg with La Union for a surf.

Well, it's a very tempting proposition. I shall work on an itinerary on that. A personal project for this summer. :)

March in the Sun

All those days in the sun
What I'd give to relive just one
Undo what's done
And bring back the light

Pwede na ba?

Dalawang taon na yun.

Baka pwede na?

Masaya naman na siya... alam mo na rin naman na masaya siya, na ligtas siya. Siguro naman ngayon pwede na, na ikaw naman ang maging masaya.

Alam kong tinutukan mo sarili mo sa loob ng dalawang taon, dinayo ang iba't ibang isla, nilusong ang ang mga dagat, at inakyat mga bundok para lang makalikas mula sa mga alaala nya. Subalit alam naman natin, sa paglubog ng araw, sa iyong paghimlay, walang kasing lamig na kalungkutan ang bumabalot sa iyong puso. Hindi ka man lumuluha, pero sa kalooblooban mo, ang puso mo'y nagluluksa bawat gabi.

"At the end of the day..."

"...no letting go"

Lahat ng ito'y bale wala na ngayon.

Kaya tama na. Dalawang taon na. Pwede na ba?

Pendere - Pensare - Pensif

Drafted 27 June 2016

As much as I try to conquer my fears of swimming in the open waters, I'm engulfed not by salt water, but by a sea of emotions, anxiety, fear and doubt. It's been more than 2 years now, and I'm still struggling to stay afloat. 

Even when you and I were together, it has been drowning me. I've been crying out for help, but fearing at the same time that by reaching out to you would only mean pulling you in to my own whirlpool, drowning you with me. This is the reason why, a couple of occasions, I've offered you your safe way out: first was at the time of breaking the news to you, second was that Independence day. You rejected my offer the first time, and you pleaded for me to be selfish, to keep you all for me. And that I did. But I've become so full of myself, I've turned in to a black hole sucking in all your light. Hence I offered to set you free on Independence day.  You obliged, indulging my fancy. We had a decent break up. Yet we spent the next day together, "as friends", but it was so agonizing seeing you suffering silently, I just wanted to hold you tight and keep you safe.

There had to be consequences, for every action there is a relative and definite reaction - at least that's how the laws of physics mandates it. I've been reckless, stubborn, stupid and all because of these I've lead us more to our demise.

I'm sorry Jjampong, for hurting you over and over. I think we've finally freed each other.

Unfortunately for me though, I'm still stuck somewhere between "in love" and "letting go".

Guess nothing is casual when it comes to sex.

I Feel Like Dancing

Would you take me out dancing, even just for tonight 
Shower under the bright moonlight
Let our favorite music play, as our bodies collide.

We don't have to be in love, but for tonight hold me tight
As I feel like dancing tonight, even for just a while
Let's pretend we own the night

...

Relapse

그것은 사랑이나 증오 가 있는지 여부를 확인할 수없는 과거 는 항상 당신을 다시 찾습니다.

The unresolved past always finds you again, whether it is love or hatred.

Recuperate

Debilitating

I just spent the past 40 minutes in the office thinking about what to write here.
Well, sadly that's a lie. It has been almost an hour now, of me badgering myself, of questions revolving around Jjampong.

Like,
Why are you still thinking about him?
Why are you still talking about him?
Why are you still hung up on him?
Why would you even consider getting back with him?
Why would you think he'd want to get back with you?
Why wouldn't he hate you?
Why are you still punishing yourself?
Why would he even care?
...

It's crappy and cheesy as hell for the answer I have for all of those. Yet, the question still remains:

Why do you still love him?

For every Jjampong-question, I only have one answer.

I love him.

Unfortunately... this means nothing right now. Nada. 

Uma Pitada de Sol e um Vislumbre de Esperança

During my Marinduque getaway, a lot has been settled in my mind after spending a whole day doing nothing. Taking a few laps in the open waters, sipping freshly concocted mojitos, and sitting by the shore....aaaah, a clean break from all my worries.

"You have to allow a certain amount of time in which you are doing nothing in order to have things occur to you, to let your mind think" - Mortimer Adler

Mid Year Status

Quick rundown of what I've been up to the past couple of weeks:

• Basically back-to-back work, no play, for 3 straight months. Average sleeping time 3-5 hours. 6 if I'm lucky.
• Series marathon (watched mostly while at work. so much for "no play" :P). This time covered mostly Asian series: Addicted/Heroin Season1 (Chinese), Love Sick Season 1&2 (Thai), Descendants of the Sun (Korean), Oh My Ghostess (Korean).
• Had an awesome vacation over the Labor day weekend, a break from the city hustle. Scenic island hoping in Marinduque. 
• Spending time with dear old friends, and meeting new ones along the trip has always been a blessing. Cheers to good times! 
• Cheers to drunken folly for knocking some sense in to my head. What else was bound to happen when you're sharing a round of beers and mojito with a freshly broken heart, and another who's was still hung up on past love? 

Going to a far off island and spending a whole day doing nothing, make you see things on a better perspective. 

PS. continuation of this post deserved it's own entry.

sōlārī

If you would just hold me
keep me in your arms,
keep my troubled heart still
shelter my lost soul
cuddle my fears
calm my worries
soothe this unhurt pain
Just, hold me, please
keep my troubled heart
in your arms
where I always find
solace

기가 막혀 ... like freshly-baked home-made cookies

"You got a new haircut eh?"

As he was opening the door, on his way out.

"I got bored.", I quipped.

"It looks nice! You look nice."

His parting words, under his smile, as the door closed after him.

Razbliuto

“for those memories are now
just like these little kittens
I hold in my hands

those can be kissed
and treasured
but not held too tightly.” 
― Sanober Khan, Turquoise Silence