So basically this entry is an update.
Something happened last week... let's call it an epiphany. Or better yet, a calling.
(am i hearing absurd gasps?)
Yes, I went to a priest for confession.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. My last confession was... - uhm.."
It's been years! Talagang sinabi ko sa pari, "Uhm, as you can see, it's been a very, very long time since my last confession. I do believe in the Sacrament of confession, that once one has confessed a sin or doing, one must not commit the same mistakes again. But knowing myself that I'd still commit these wrongdoings, i believed i was not ready for a confession. Until now..."
Yes, marami akong gusto ikumpisal sa pari dati pa. Mapagnilay din akong tao... very reflective and highly self-conscious. So for the past years every time the thought of confession comes to mind, I assess myself if I'm ready. last week, i was surprised that i actually sat beside the priest and started talking.
"I've done mostly minor sins, petty if you may, in the past that I thought didn't required confession. But I've also committed a grieve act that I'm ready to ask for forgiveness now."
The priest nods. And I looked at him intently. I came in closer and whispered,
"Uh, father, do I have to be particular of the sins? Do i have to like, enumerate?"
He nods again.
"Uhm, do i have to be specific?"
"I'd like to confess that I've been *********** for the past 3 years, But I've stopped and I've realized lately that it's not really for me."
The priests nods with his right knuckles on his chin. If i may say so, he looks bored. So time to turn the notch and up the ante.
"I do admit that i can't help it...yung *kwan*, but now I'm past that. Sure, I'm attracted to men more than women, and I'm fully aware of my homosexuality... but i don't really see myself going anywhere with it."
This is when he readjusted himself from his seat. Now I got his attention. haha!
And so I sat there for the next 20 minutes with my confession, which turned out to be more of a counselling, I think? One thought led to another, and I think the priest was doing selective listening. Well, di ko rin siya masisisi, he wasn't really expecting that kind of confession at that time, I think.
In the end, he did give me insight and enlightenment, two things I've been searching most of my life. And he simply sent me off with the following message:
- Attend mass not as an obligation, but as means of keeping your ties with God.
- Pray the rosary, it helps to put off those distractions.
- START NOW. To get to that point you truly desire, you have to start now.
He also commended my person for being insightful and having the intuition that I've shown to possess.
I bowed my head, as he said prayers, and I left to join in the mass.
I can't really relay the whole thing. But I've already started on the NOW. I'm on my way back to the person l've left behind just to wander off. Now is the time to take pursue the road straight to the destination. No more segues.